I struggle to keep my thoughts positive. To keep from drowning in a brain bath of blue and black. Today, like an errant echo, the idea I have created my own hell just rolls and dips and rebounds through my mind.
I want to silently scream at people..Run! Live it all you can while you can! Pay attention and learn but don't settle. Don't give in. Don't sell yourself short. But be mindful. Plan. React. Know your path but travel it with gusto and confidence and passion.
I need spring. I need hope. I need to keep motivating forward. I cannot look back. I need to be away from death and dying.
There are icicles hanging from the eaves outside my windows. The cold has been exquisite. When it is here no longer, life will skyrocket along. Can I keep up with it? Will I be able to fit myself into this new future?
There is a ballet to this, the frigid weather, the delicacy of passing time, the weight of dread and uncertainty, the airlessness of hope and desire. I could drown in it or die watching and watching and watching.
If I could go back, back to that day, would I have made the same choice? Or would I have smiled wistfully and let it be a passing opportunity that later I would have recalled as a possibility in quiet reflective moments?
I will never know.
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