Like how I wrote that? Yesss. Alright so, hello bitches. We finalized the divorce on Wednesday last week. I had to spend some time to let it sink in, and see how I really felt about it. Day one, Thursday, I felt a little down about it, but the reality of it is I'm happy it's completed. I might go so far as to say my body sings at the thought. Having perpetually felt as if I've failed at everything for a long time (somewhere inside. Not on the forefront), it's nice to have succeeded in divorcing someone. I guess. At least I beat all my friends to it. That's something to be proud of, right?
I spend all my time working or hanging out with Aspen, or else screwing around on video games with my brother. If I had more friends around, I'd probably sacrifice brother/video game time to hang out with them. The truth of the matter is I get so little time as it is, I can't really do much anyway.
I told Bethany, on Wednesday, I hadn't written anything since she left. Other than a few small things here and there, it's true. I don't know why. It's not something I can make sense of. But, stress does strange things to me. Anyway, telling her this, she started crying. I just shrugged my shoulders. I don't think it's because she left. I think it's because she created a huge mess of stress, and shit, and stupid responsibilities I had to make sense of before I can begin my writing again.
I've never lived alone before, on my own, paying all my own bills. I HAVE pursued writing to the point of everything else suffering, before, and I sure as HELL don't want to get convicted, or lose what friendships I have, over my writing.
Plus I have been drinking a lot. Not... drunk a lot. Just two beers a night, at least, since Aspen and I met. Not because of Bethany, but because Aspen's a beer connoisseur, and she's opened up a lot of doors for me in that department. She lives in Colorado, see, and her taste in beer is exquisite. Yes. Beer tastes. Exquisite.
And mimosas. But she doesn't like sweet alcohol like Tawny Port, or sweeter wines, so I haven't been indulging in those for a while. (NOTE TO ANYONE INTERESTED: I have some Sutter Home Champagne [classy, I know] I will quite possibly convert to mimosas today, weather permitting. hah)
I'll be starting up my v'blogging again, here and at my wordpress site. I have some research to do for 1) photography for my novels, 2) editor for my novels, and 3) self-publication movement for my novels. A major stir has been occurring in me, especially since Bethany left for Mexico. JESUS CHRIST it feels good to be away from that stress. I didn't realize how ridiculously overbearing it was until now.
I did my second Tarot reading ever with Aspen the other day. We only got halfway through until distractions and frustrations ended the reading between us. I pouted a bit because I felt I wasn't allowed to read it the way I wanted to, then realized... hey. The cards are still out. The question is still on the table. Why not finish? So I finished, for my sake, and wrote the whole reading down in my new "Tarot reading" book. It ended as strong as it began, and I definitely found new insights. I believe next reading with her (I hope she allows it) will not include her asking a question first. I want to try and weed out the deeper stresses she's experiencing. See if I can.
I have furniture to sell. And furniture to buy. I don't know what to do with them.
Paid a bunch of bills today that should have been paid last paycheck, but were put off due to a major purchase. I'm beginning to regret it, the purchase, because I overlooked the fact I had TWO major purchases last pay period and I haven't paid the second. Damn. I'm a smart one, ain't I? Anywho. I'll have to pay next pay period. I hope. I pray.
Maybe I can put half down now. Yeah. Half is better than none. And I still have money in the account. It's just for... two weeks' worth of food and gas and expenditures. And s'prise payments like the auto-pays I don't know about.
My next writing step is to develop individual characters. One of my weakest points is I can't create good external bad guys. Antagonists. Mostly because I have to justify in my head what they're doing is worth it, and then I get to that point... I have to research motivations, and I don't write, and I sit and stare at the screen, going, "Let's Write!" But everything needs developing, and I've become lazy in my development. Why?
All I see, all I read is lazy development. TV series, movies, etc. And I don't mean lazy series development. But lazy character development. Books. Gosh. plus the alcohol removes motivation. I need motivation. So I've amped up my caffeine intake. Not a lot. Just a soda a day instead of one of the beers. I know. Classy.
Off to write somewhere else. Later, bitches.
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