I'm seriously sucking at writing. . . in It's a llittle llazy over here

. . . at least here.

It’s starting to get a bit hard to keep up. My ability to retain any enthusiasm for my storytelling project in the face of almost no views or comments or anything, in fact, is fading away just a little. I’m not managing to get myself onto youtube/twitter and leave likes and comments as much as I need to if I want to try to bring people in that way.

To be fair, I did get a run of one person actually listening to a few of my videos. Like, actually listening. This keeps me going… The schedule has caught me, though. Most of the people doing this are narrating other people’s work. They’re not having to try to write original material on schedule. To say that quality control has suffered would be to wrongly imply that there’s any concept of quality control left. It’s kind of liberating, actually - I’m an endless re-drafter, normally, so having to just knock the stories out and record them is kind of nice.

Work is getting to me. Or rather, I’m getting to me. Theoretically we’re trying to put together a promotion case for me. The reality, I suspect, is that one of my colleagues in the team is also doing that and has a much better case, being a team leader already. I very, very much suspect that our function will not promote two people out of our grade in one cycle. That shouldn’t be the case, but I bet it will be.

My role remains very much what it was, because I’m fundamentally too useful doing the things I do to be allowed to spend time doing the things I need to do to get promoted. I don’t really believe there’s a natural role for me at the next grade up in this team. There never has been. I don’t really believe, when it comes to it, that I have any real shot.

How much of that is just me being negative? Could be a lot. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - I get negative about the chances and don’t bother to make the effort to show the things I need to show because what’s the point?

It’s damaging. I know what I’m like - I’m already mentally setting myself up for not being promoted, instead of saying, ‘what do I need to do to get promoted?’ and damn well doing it, even if I don’t like it.

In all honestly, I would probably be better off leaving. I don’t fit the profile of what they want at the next grade up. Other firms would pay me next-level money for my skills and experience, so it should be ‘promote me or lose me’. When it comes to it, would I actually up and leave?

I don’t know.