First let me identify my cognitive biases.
I am shawn - chronic over thinker, over reader into things, usually.
I felt that we were getting close. And I liked it. I like the things we could talk about sometimes, I liked how I could easily tell you about things that usually wouldn’t feel. It just makes me feel closer to you. Even now, the things I confide in you, I’m not sure I have or could tell anyone else.
Maybe to you it was just talking. Maybe initially it was for me too. But the ease of it eventually dawned on me. I don’t know how it was for you. Maybe it’s just your profession that made it easy for you to listen.
But I felt you opened up to me. Alternatively, maybe it was just talking for you. I wouldn’t know who you’d be comfortable telling the things you told me. Maybe I was just mistaken, and it’s something you feel you can tell in general. I didn’t think that way. I wouldn’t have revealed such secrets to just anyone. I listened, and I got to know you better, I think. And I thought, I’d like you know more of you. For a moment, I thought you were close to me too.
Then you got your guard up. I understand why. I don’t subscribe to it I guess, and that’s one way we’re different. But part of me feels like I want to try to help lower it. I’d be lying if I said it was without an agenda now. And hypothetically, I can’t promise that should we get together, there’d be no hurt, there’d be no pain, none of the things that built your wall up in the first place. We both probably know that there’s no such thing. And I’d guess that one reason anyone has a wall is that, who would like the pain and hurt from a relationship?
If you had asked me why should you be my friend, I would have no answer. If I stood myself beside the ones whom you would consider your friends and/or are close to, I wouldn’t rate myself. The fact of the matter is at this juncture, they have probably done more for you than I have. That and your fierce independence, what chance would I have to convince you.
But you did share with me. What I currently feel is that, I really did open up to you. Maybe unwittingly. But it made me feel close to you. And it does hurt when you talk about your guard and suggest what you shared with me wasn’t open. I don’t know if you intend to keep your guard up or maybe try to let it down. At this point, I don’t even know what you feel about me. But I just can’t take it that I’m sharing this much with you, opened up, but all it is to you is rapport. It’s completely understandable, but I can’t take it.
And if that’s all it is, then maybe it’s better for us both if I’d build my wall too. Because I feel the worst when there is non-reciprocation. I think we can still be friends.
At the end of the day, whatever I say here, I believe, is useless. For you believe in choice, that regardless of externalities, the choice would be yours to have been made. But here I am, telling you how I feel, and how I think, because I feel close to you. With agendas exposed, I don’t know if I can help change how you feel, or if I have to change mine.
Loading comments...