“Even when I feel so small that I could just be blown away, you have shown me how to build myself back up again.” a random thought I had
I’m writing this down as a stream of consciousness cause otherwise it probably won’t happen. Despite how much I love lists, this one was initially the most difficult.
My therapist (woo yay talking about feelings) suggested I write a list of the reasons I deserve love. This was spurred by my realization, or I guess verbalization of why I feel like I had become so disconnected and why I have always blamed my self for things out of my control, because I didn’t think I deserved love. As we know, I am not the best at accepting love it seems or feeling that I am deserving of people’s time and energy on a large scale, bear with me it’s not going to continue on the self deprecation route!
So when I started this I kept getting stuck because while logically I could say, “yes I deserve love!” I couldn’t come up with reasons as to why that was the case and it frustrated me to no end, and I began to think maybe I hadn’t made any strides in learning to even love myself (something I had thought I had done, or told myself enough that I thought was true).
But then I started thinking of you.
Watching you study, write your thesis, read an article, examine art, enjoy a movie or tv show, look out on a vista after a hike, smiling at solid meme, laughing at a great joke, playing tug of war with Arthur, honestly watching you wash dishes shows what love looks like
Listening to you talk about your family, talking about and to Ben (all three), Connor, Ian, play music whether it’s banjo, clarinet, piano or enjoy your wonderful taste in tunes shows me what love sounds like.
Cooking with you and watching your ramen creations, or eating late night Taco Bell with you, or John’s runs , or eating chick fil a at an airport bus terminal showed me what love smells and tastes like.
Hugging you after four flights across the globe, holding your hand, falling asleep on your chest, kissing you even when we definitely both had morning breath showed me what love feels like.
Obviously this is kind of a roundabout way of saying, but I realized I had found that love for myself and begun to understand that I did deserve it, and it wasn’t because I did some grand thing, or have “suffered” long enough, it was just because I deserved to be happy.
I deserve love.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve laughter, to be heard, to be understood, to be thought of, to be cared for, to be wanted.
I deserve love because I want to share my thoughts, feelings, knowledge, questions, worries, stories with someone and I want to hear and understand theirs.
I want to experience life with someone by my side (whether it’s over Skype, a WhatsApp, a text, or in person)
I deserve love because I am not perfect, but I understand that perfection is never the goal. Love doesn’t need perfection, it doesn’t even want it, it wants growth from mistakes.
I deserve to have a home in someone’s heart, and they deserve home in mine.
I deserve love because I forgive myself and others. Mistakes will always be a part of life, they are also not always anyones fault in particular, growth can happen without blame.
I deserve love because I will always be there.
After thinking this past week I wanted to let you know that you have that place in my heart. I love you and want to continue to grow together. I normally would backtrack in this situation, as I was worried I was being to forward or pressuring, but I know you’d tell me I’m not. Whether or not you feel the same, it’s okay, I feel like in so many ways I finally decided I wanted love for myself and I hope you want to be a part of that.
Not being able to talk to you with the click of a keyboard this past week was honestly the hardest thing I’ve done.
When I passed or heard something I knew would make you laugh, heard a new song you would love, talked to anyone about politics or the general goings on of the world currently, made dinner, made breakfast, when on a hike and saw so many beautiful mushrooms, had an interesting experience on the subway, had a breakthrough with a student, was frustrated with work, when I saw an excellent and pointed meme, there was always this moment where I felt like I was going to burst. I wanted to tell you every time how much I love you, but I couldn’t and it was really rough.
But as we can see I think I learned a lot about where I was a week ago or maybe even a month ago. I rarely am good at making decisions, but with this I feel the most solid I have ever felt (way more than when I picked a college). I love you to the moon and back.
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