One Thought Different Flow in Tangent

It is the beginning of my favorite month. October! I love all things October, but most of all I love Halloween. It is my favorite holiday by far and it is stupid it is so widely misunderstood. By those who claim it is a Devil holiday and deprive their kids from celebrating makes me sad. They are ignorant to the actual historical story behind it and they refuse to accept the modern definition is literally just costumes and candy. I assure you God is not offended by Halloween…in my opinion. I’m not going to be one of those people who put words in His mouth like “God hates gay people”. No, He doesn’t. YOU hate gay people. God doesn’t condemn Halloween, YOU condemn Halloween.

Anyway, I needed my favorite month badly. I needed it to erase the terrible last week of September. Green Day’s “Wake Me Up When September Ends” was my anthem last week. The Kavanaugh/Ford testimonies were bringing up all kinds of nasty demons from my past. All of which I am internalizing. Then this weekend I was supposed to go to my bestie’s daughter’s birthday party. BUT my uncle F had a heart attack. That was the capper to my week. I was a nervous wreck. I am very close to all my aunts and uncles. We are a very close knit large boisterous Polish family. My mom is one of eight kids (all of which, besides her, who have 3 of their own). I had my first Aunt L die several years ago due to Alzheimer’s. She was the eldest and now the 2nd oldest (Uncle B) has it now too. It runs in my family. Watching him degrade has been hard to watch and I feel for my Aunt G (his wife). Now this heart attack with Uncle F. Its hard watching these people who as a child were all larger than life to me and remind me of their mortality. In turn also remind this only child of a single parent how mortal her mother is.

In my 30 years, I have only ever seen my mom cry a handful of times. At Dumbo, when my Grandma died, when Aunt L died, and now hearing her voice shake on the phone as she told me about Uncle F heart attack. She is a strong independent woman, who needs nothing from no one. So the times when I see the tears, it kills me. Its why I am adamant to protect her the way I am. No husband, not her siblings, and never even Grandma has ever been a shoulder for her.

She stands alone. So I silently stand behind her, shielding her from the ugly that effects her only weakness…me.

This week sucked.

Sucked major.

Sigh.

After all this hurricane in my head, I’m still all sunshine for those around me. I am holding it together. I am stable. I am a rock. Then my husband decides to let me know how much better his mom kept the house when he was a kid. How she was a stay-at-home mom too and their house was perfect all the time and she kept a huge garden and her meals were blah blah blah (he does love my cooking, its just not magazine worthy like hers). Its still not enough. Its never enough. I can keep it together and do everything for him (& the kids) . Beer cans left in the bathroom. Laundry all over on the floor…next to the hamper but never in it. Trash wrappers on every surface. I do 100% of all the physical chores, all the mental, I don’t spend money (besides groceries), I try my damnest to be convenient and accommodating as possible because he is the one that works. But there I was this weekend dark demons swirling around my memories, worry for my Uncle, guilt over missing birthday party being lectured like a child knowing I still am not enough.

I am still flawed.

But then today came. October started. A new week. A new month, my favorite month! I was going to let last week go and move on.

Then the phone rang.

It was my bestie.

“I’m bringing you cupcakes today or tomorrow. You pick. I’m bringing cupcakes over and we can talk.”

My saving grace. This beautiful amazing soul of a woman. I have been friends with her and her husband since I was in 9th grade. They are both incredible people, especially her. There are many times I know I do not deserve such a perfect person as my bestie. She is truly remarkable inside and out. In many ways we are opposites, but it has always been a strength in our friendship. Hell, in high school we’d have political debates. But if anyone tried to step on my liberal beliefs, my vegetarianism, or my hippie nature in general…she was always the first person to step right back at them in my favor. She might not see things the same as me, but she would defend my right to believe what I do with every fiber of her being.

I have my flaws and I know every time I have been a bad friend to her. I saw it, even if I never said it. But she never holds it against. Its an understanding smile every time. She gets it. I don’t know how, but she does.

Its why I try to keep my clouds away from her sunshine. The best way to describe her mind is she is Disney rating all the time. If ever there was a real life old school Disney princess, it would be her. She could charm the stars from the sky.

God bless her.

She may not know the clouds are there, but she always has this 6th sense internal alarm that goes off at just the right time. There she is with a text or a call. I may try to shelter her from the storm, but she makes the sunshine easier and more natural. Just hearing her ask me to share the dark side with her. Hearing her make the offer and telling me to stop shouldering it all on my own. Saying that I need someone to rely on.

It all helps.

I may not do it, but the offer is nice. It makes it easier. It eases the tension. I’ve always been imprisoned by my own mind. Sometimes an overactive mind is amazing. Its what fuels my novels and plays. It breathes life into my poems. My overactive mind is what makes me a writer. For that I am thankful. But then there are times it is a true plague.

Its nice having someone talking to me through the wall. I don’t know how to bring the wall down, but that voice on the other side…I am grateful.

Last updated October 02, 2018