So today my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. He screamed at me. This was a result of something that happened at the beginning of this month. About three weeks ago I got drunk with my best friend (female) and we said how we found each other attractive then took pictures of each other’s boobs on some Instax cameras. In the morning, immediately after waking up I had intended to get rid of the photos. Incidentally, I couldn’t even find the one I had taken of her in the morning, and I have a feeling that my best friend got rid of them while I was asleep.
Another thing the fight was about was me oversharing about my past. I have been in several unorthodox relationships, most of which were abusive. I talk about them to process what has happened, and I feel like as my boyfriend, he should be sympathetic to that. He doesn’t even know half of who I am or what I have been through. Yet he tells me that I am insensitive for making him put up with hearing about it.
I’m still not sure why he waited three weeks to confront me about what happened with my best friend, but here is what I sent him after he said he had to go home and think about whether he wants to be with me or not.
You’re right in wanting to leave me. I come with baggage, a ridiculously large amount that I can guarantee most people wouldn’t even want to know about, nonetheless deal with. As a result of the lifetime of abuse and trauma I have survived, there are some parts of me that are severely fucked up. I know, I KNOW you don’t like hearing about my past, but it’s how I process it. You asked me if any of the programming that was done on me was still there. Here’s your answer.
One of the things that was done to me was psychological programming to make me hypersexual. What was done was essentially creating a personality, Lilith, who identified as a succubus. Succubi are sex demons. I hate that part of me, and I am ashamed that she exists. She makes me into a horrible person, she says and does things that I would normally be too embarrassed or shy to do. She is shameless, and a showoff. She has done horrible things.
Another part of me is a child, her name is Lily. She is 4, and she was created to make me psychologically malleable. The traumas she has endured are horrific. He used to like to put me in this personality and then beat and humiliate me, among other things. She is why I ask you to do things for me. She is the one that likes to have her hair played with. Whenever I see her in my mind’s eye, she is in the fetal position, and crying, always crying.
There is a third part of me that developed when I was about 6 as a result of some repressed trauma. It is not a human, and it is the part I hate the most. It is the reason I was mute, it is what I used to write about, and is the most horrific of the personalities to communicate with.
Another one of my personalities is male. He is also bisexual, but self-conscious about him liking dudes being gay. That one is more recent, and I have no idea where it came from.
These are the reasons I told you not to date me. Lilith is a demon, Lily is 4, the third one I mentioned isn’t even a fucking human, and one is male. Many of them hold conflicting standards of morality, and therein lies the problem.
I am not trying to use them as an excuse for my actions, but maybe it will give you some insight into why I am the way I am.
I am currently at his apartment across the street from mine because I started crying while writing that. I tried to take a shower to calm down but was crying inconsolably. I messaged him on Facebook saying I needed a hug and he said that I could come to his place to get one, then pulled me inside and said I could stay the night. I still don’t know what he’s going to say in the morning, or if he’ll even remember that he invited me over when he wakes up, as he had just taken some medications that make him sleep.
Loading comments...