Catching Up in Dancing Along the Edge

Hello, ladies. Here it is, my first "offical" Prosebox entry.

I thought I'd get you all caught up on what's been going on the past few months.

In November, due to a problem with my contact lenses, I was blessed with a lovely corneal ulcer in my left eye. The vision in that eye is blurry (due to scarring), and the ulcer has caused a freaky-looking white spot on my cornea. I've been under treatment for 2 1/2 months, and it is finally getting better. In a month or two I will need a cornea transplant. Not really looking forward to that, but my eye doctor assured me that they can knock me out completely for the surgery (which is the only way I would even consider having it done.)

Also, in November I was in a car accident. I hit an icy patch on a curvy road, went up onto the shoulder and right into a sign. The window on the front right side completely shattered and blew out, and the whole right front door is caved in. I ended up bumped, bruised, covered in glass and got a huge puncture wound a few inches below my right knee. Amazingly, my car was still drivable. I have yet to get it fixed because I'm so fucking broke that I can't even pay attention. The window is covered in plastic held on by duct tape. Needless to say, it looks just lovely.

Mom keeps getting progressively worse. The dementia rages on. I brought her to my cousin's house for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and she didn't seem like she even understood what was going on. She didn't know who most of the relatives were, either. She still knows me, though. I guess that's something to be grateful for.

No luck on the job front. I've decided to hold off for now, until after my eye surgery. My sister is still assisting me financially, which I pay for with self-esteem. She is highly skilled at making me feel completely worthless. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It just kills me that I give my sister permission to make me feel they way she does. I can't figure out why her opinion of me carries so much weight. There are so many people in my life who love me, respect me and think highly of me. But yet, I give someone who I have never liked and certainly don't love the power to make me feel like a useless failure. Go figure.

I've just been so blah lately. I haven't sunk into the deep abyss of depression or anything, but most of the time I spend feeling pretty down. Usually I avoid writing when I feel like this, because I don't want to bring anyone down with my maudlin-ness (is that even a real word?) When I'm around people, I make such an effort to act all up and happy...which, in reality, is utter bullshit. It's also quite exhausting. But who wants to be around Debbie Downer, ya know?

Anyway, there you have it. My shiny happy entry.

Until later...