Weekends are Meant for fun in Tangent

I am a writer at my very core. I suck at grammar and proper rules of writing. But I am writer nonetheless. My soul is words. My mind is a fountain of words with an endless supply. Perhaps it has to do with a my severe A.D.D. That, by the way, isn’t a turn of phrase or cop out. I legit am diagnosed with it. Since 6. One of the worst cases my doctor had ever seen in the state. Sigh, but I stopped taking medicine for it long ago. At this point, it is so tied into who I am (good, bad, and the ugly) I don’t want to erase it. I don’t want to hide it. It is who I am. It is a part of the things I not only hate about myself, but the things I love too. I am a highly creative-based person. My imagination is in overdrive all the time. Stories, words, scenarios, all are running a race in my head all the time.

That being said.

Today was a mom fail today. Today I lost a battle in controlling my A.D.D. For a moment today I lost my battle with trying to juggle all the balls at once. For a moment today, for a brief moment, I failed. That failure cost me so much. We were shopping and out of nowhere my husband starts saying “Come on, lets go, leave the cart, leave the cart.” I was flustered and confused. My mind racing with questions as it is struggling to grasp the situation. My mind is struggling to tell my body what to do next. The only thing my mind is comprehending is “Leave the cart. Leave it all. Just leave come on. Lets go. Now damn it!”

(Apparently the store was having issues with their power, so they were kicking everyone out.)

My body obeyed. For two steps I obeyed mindlessly. I obeyed without thinking. With my purse and my 3 year old still in the cart. For two steps my A.D.D. hyper-focused on one command. After those two steps, my mind snapped into realization. But it was too late. My husband saw it. He saw those two steps I left my youngest in the cart. For two steps I…

Guilt. Stupidity. Failure. Self hate.

I was on a precipice of a downward spiral of hating myself. My husband instead of pulling me back in…Sparta-style kicked me into that hole.

As selfish as it was I wanted him to pull me back in. But he didn’t. He chose to kick in. He pushed. On he yelled and berated what an idiot I was. What a terrible mother. How he doesn’t trust me alone in public with our kids. This is the first time in four years since my oldest was born something like this has happened. I am NOT justifying what I did.

Two steps. Two steps and I could have lost her. Two steps and my soul would have died. Two steps of I AM THE WORST PERSON ON THE PLANET. Two steps my A.D.D. won and my mind lost. Part of me knows when I am alone I am at my best with the kids. No outside distractions. Just me and them. I got it. Its when other people show up, I screw up. I am a stay at home mom. Its me and my kids all day every day since my oldest daughter was born 4 years ago.

My biggest enemy is not my A.D.D. Its me. Its my hatred of myself. Its that voice that is now screaming in my head “You are a dumb, ugly fool with zero self confidence. You had no business having kids. If you just faded from history no one would be worse for it.”

I am my own worst enemy and it is selfish of me to think my husband (or anyone) can save me from myself. My mom tells me “You are a great mom and I great person. I am so proud of you. You are so strong and smile. I can’t believe I raised someone like you.” I feel bad. Its a mask. A mask for her. A mask for my family and friends. I am drowning and I don’t want to bother anyone, but deep inside I want someone to see it. I want someone to rescue me. But after 30 years I am too far out. The mask has morphed with my flesh.

Maybe I really did have no business having kids…

Last updated October 02, 2018