Post birthday updates. in Musings

I meant to have this entry done on my birthday (yesterday) but that didn’t happen. But hey! I’m 32! And I feel like it’s going to be the best year yet.

MENTAL HEALTH
I woke up a couple days ago and the first thing I registered was a sense of dread. My anxiety back with a vengeance. I 100% know it’s hormonal and will likely get better once my period starts next week. But it’s still hard. I feel on edge and on the verge of tears constantly. I’ve been mostly just staying busy but am taking a break to write now because I know it helps.

I’ve also been working on my anger and short fuse with the girls in particular. I could definitely be doing better. I think I need to get back into meditation. I have been journaling in my paper journal daily with helps.

SPIRITUALITY
I’m not sure how much of this I’ve shared here but I have been a Christian my whole life. I grew up in church and went to a Baptist college. Nathan and I have always been really spotty with our church attendance as adults though until the past couple of years. We now go to the same church as my parents and while it’s good in some ways it also means we haven’t made a lot of friends. And two of the friends I did make have now left the church.

But really all that is besides the point. I’m really having a crisis of faith. I just don’t know what I believe. I know I believe in God / a higher power. But I just have some problems with the Bible and with Jesus lately. I’m not sure what to do or where to turn. I haven’t really felt comfortable talking to anyone about it. I know Nathan will understand because he has been in a similar spot or maybe even still is. When I’ve had issues in the past they have always been with the church structure and not with the doctrine itself. Now I’m questioning everything and I feel a little lost.

To deny Jesus and church etc would mean our families would be pretty disappointed. I know they’d still love us but I don’t even want to think about explaining all this to my mom. She and I are so close and I know she won’t really understand.

I have more I need to work out on this subject but for now it’s just at a stand still. I’m just playing church until I can figure out what I want. It’s so hard with two little girls in tow. I honestly can’t even say what I want for them. I don’t want them growing up with the guilt but the community of church is so powerful. It can also be very destructive. So it’s just a mess right now and my current anxiety isn’t helping the situation.

NATHAN
Things are good. I love that I can tell him I’m feeling anxious and even though he can’t related he’s so understanding and picks up the slack when I need to rest. Alex wasn’t feeling well last night and I didn’t even know. He stayed up all night with her and didn’t even wake me up to help. I like being able to depend on someone so easily like that. Yet we are individuals who have our own interests. It’s a good partnership and I’m so happy that with everything we have been through in the past 9 years together we are strong.

LEAH
She started Kindergarten on Aug 15th. She really likes it for the most part and is learning a lot. But she has been getting in trouble some. I talked with her teacher about it. She doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about and that as she matures this year that a lot of it will subside. But apparently she hit another kid at school (which she only ever did one time at preschool and it was the day she came home with a fever) and then yesterday she hit Alex. It’s so hard to know what to do punishment-wise for her because she doesn’t respond to time outs really. I’ve been revoking TV and screen time when she acts up and rewarding her with it when she behaves well. I’m not sure it is 100% working but it’s really all I’ve got for now.

I am noticing more and more that she has anxiety as well. She’s a very extroverted child so it doesn’t come out in social anxiety like it can with me. But she worries all the time and has lots of “what if’s” and need for reassurance. I’ve been doing my best to be reassure her but it’s hard and I think starting a new school has made it all worse. I hope it calms down now that we are nearing 1 month of being in school.

ALEX
She’s 2 now and the terrible toddler ness has stayed away for the most part. I sound like a terrible mom I’m sure but she’s much calmer, easier, and more enjoyable than Leah was at this age. I know she will probably hit a difficult spot at some point though. She’s very head strong and likes to do things herself. So her and her sister are similar in that way and can clash because of it. But she’s just so damn cute. Physically and just personality wise. She loves baby dolls and her favorite thing right now is reading to her babies and it melts my heart every time.

We are looking at putting her in a big girl bed anytime now. I’m not going to push her on potty training but I think she might be easier than her sister on that too. I’ll probably focus on it more at the 2.5 mark which is in January. We are also slowly getting her used to sitting in a real chair instead of a high chair and drinking out of normal cups instead of sippy cups. It feels so exciting since she’s my last and we will be done with all the baby stuff.

SHOP
It’s going well! I got a brand rep with 35k followers on Instagram and she posted a few photos in her stories and I made lots of sales just from that. I’m mostly trying to work on my productivity when completing items so I can have a faster turn around. But I have to keep thing quality. I have a lot of new product ideas I’m hoping to get to work on soon. It’ll be Christmas rush before you know it.

HEALTH
I was doing great and losing weight but then I kind of fell off the wagon with the start of school. But I’m back at it this week. Working out and walking. I signed up for a race next month. It’ll just be walking and as much as I’d like to run it’s just impractical to think about training since I have Alex in the stroller. I refuse to buy a jogging one because she’ll outgrow it so soon. Probably should have invested in one years ago but you live and learn. I mostly just want to be healthy and remember to treat my body well.