anybody ever just need a good cry? just to give yourself some perspective, put some feelings out there, and help you refocus?
i do. i haven’t had a meaningful cry in awhile, until last night.
dann mentioned how i never just get down and play with freddie, especially when he gets home from work. usually, i’m making dinner or cleaning up or something else instead of playing with freddie. i also hate playing cars. whatever…i cried it all out and wrote two entries last night and got everything out on the table for me (because it all spiraled hard and fast and it was rough), but i feel better now.
i’m not sure if i’m going to do it, but i’ve been debating seeing a therapist. i’ve only spoken to one once awhile ago, when my parents apologized for everything that happened with my cousin and whatever. i only spoke to her once because my insurance at the time apparently didn’t cover it and my mom was really upset with how high the bill was. so…i haven’t ever really gone to a therapist. but between always being anxious (to the point my body shakes and i can’t eat) and having lots of negative thoughts about myself (especially when it comes to being a mom and a teacher…god teaching is so stressful!) i’ve legitimately thought about going. dann said if i think it’ll help, then i should do it. i’m not the best at communicating my feelings and saying what i want/need, especially when that person is an authority figure. i tend to shove some things down and try to forget or just push it aside until i have a meltdown. which is not healthy at all. and i know its not healthy, but its the way I’ve operated for years so its kinda hard to just not do that. i need some healthy ways to deal with stress and prioritize exactly what i need.
i looked into that talkspace online therapy…and its like $50/week! I’m not sure what my co-pay would be with a traditional therapist. talkspace claims to be cheaper than a traditional co-pay, plus its convenient because you can talk to anyone, anytime on your phone. you can even text…so i dunno. i gotta look into some different options i guess. maybe i can do it for awhile and see if it helps. maybe i won’t need it for too long and i can move on. i mean…$200/month isn’t that bad for therapy.
in other news…my OBGYN appointment is scheduled for this upcoming monday at 10am! not going to be jumping all over my husband that week, but its actually happening. kinda crazy and scary and exciting. we just found out today my husbands best friend and his wife are having twin boys. we didn’t know they were pregnant, so this was a bit of a shock since we saw them about a month ago and they didn’t say anything to us. dann and his friend went to a slayer concert in june and he had said to dann he had a secret to tell him but wasn’t sure if he should. dann told him if he was unsure he shouldn’t tell him. dann said to me when he got home he thought they were pregnant again, but we didn’t really think much of it since they both didn’t say anything. she’s due in december. they got married right after we did (we got married in june 2014, they got married august 2014) and got pregnant after us (freddie was born november 2015, their son was born january 2016) and she had another son last september. so she’s basically been pregnant for about 3 years. plus he has an 11 year old son from a previous marriage. she home schools the oldest and will soon have 4 boys under the age of 4. just crazy!
i don’t feel like getting into all the other stuff with them now. BUT i was a little hurt they didn’t say anything sooner to us. we saw them a month ago and they said nothing, not even a hint! my husband and his friend have been best friends since high school. but we’re on opposite ends of the political spectrum and after some internet squabbles, things have been a bit tense, although dann says he and the friend are fine. i dunno…like we used to hang out a lot more and since the election and the friend taking a real hard right politically, things have been strained and awkward. sigh oh well. I’m definitely reading more into all of this than i should!
thanks for reading. i think I’m going to try to get on here at least once a week and get my thoughts out. this always helped me in the past. I’ve kept a journal since i was 9 and just life got in the way a bit and i stopped doing the things that help me. maybe ill try this and consistent yoga practice for a bit before dropping cash into online therapy. but thanks for being here. i appreciate this site and you guys so much.
later.
~mana~
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