Little Prince (obvious hipster code name, amirite),
I dont know im just writing this as it flows and trying not to make it sound scripted or romanticize words.
But i think this time i truly feel heartbroken, not in a lust/love kind of way for another person but for myself. I dont honestly know why i answered that message. Or why in all minds of minds he decided to contact me after 3 years, saying he thought about me, known damn well the dependent personality that i have. And as much as i fucking tried (and i did try) to not get attached, it was inevitable. And i think i did believe in the idea that we could be friends and thats what hw truly wanted. And then when the more inappropriate texts came i thought i could be brave and go the friends with benefits route.
But i cant help to think, i know my appearance probably did half of the knife work, too skinny, sagging boobs, teeth ruined by endoscopies and the filters from pictures are gone and so are their dreams. I think ive come to the conclusion this was the downfall for this, and will be for any hopeful relationships. I can sell the ad really well but the product is shoddy.
I cant imagine how i thought it would be different or if we really believed ourselves when we told each other we changed and grown up. I was always going to cling, which is what Little Prince wants until its incovenient. Then the excuses come. Hes not ready hes not in a good place hes still getting over a relationship and now he wont have the time bc he can use his son.
I wish i would have written this as an apology to myself, sorry for fucking up the smooth ride we were on. Sorry for waking up the anxiety that had been hibernating. Its pretty pissed now. I cant imagine it will be kind. Sorry for going down the same path of low self worth bc i wanted to feel that needed feeling again. Sorry i couldnt have been more brave and just walked away, instead i felt sorry for myself and convinced i deserved what I wanted this time. It was owed to me right? Im sorry for crying. Im sorry for ruining your makeup. Sorry for putting you, heart, on that temporary high to just flush your drug down the toilet. Im just sorry. I feel like i let down a friend who was finally in sync.
But im not sorry to you Little Prince. Im angry but not in a rage. More of a sad anger. The best example i can think of is the geeky girl who gets asked out by the popular guy only to find out it was a joke. Why? Why did you even mess with me? And i ask that with sadness bc i dont truly understand what you were wanting for yourself or me. How did you think this was going to turn out? I had an idea but ive already claimed my irresponsibility to myself in that i didnt care. You hurt me, like actual hurt. I dont need a sad song, movie, stare at a picture to get the emotions down. It honest to fucking god hurt. Its seems intentional. I think you knew what to say bc i layed all my cards out before and you have a great memory.
So now tomorrow when i dont talk to you, and then the next when we have sone awkward chatter about my surgery and work, to finally the end of the week where its a one line Hi. And then it will come. The end. He’ll say goodbye and in some weird self depricating, self pitying way ill chalk it up to something i did and what i need to change (that I really dont).
Just hitting submit now. Not reading for any errors.
Goodbye Little Prince, words of advice; when you let someone go, let them go! Sometimes even when they seem like that want to come back it’s not what they need.
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