I'm Anxious in Life

As the new school year approaches, I am getting very anxious. So many things are running through my mind, its difficult to focus on one thing.

1. I’m anxious about my behavior management in the classroom. I’ve been re-reading my responsive classroom book and have some great new ideas, but I’m worried about my reactions to the kids misbehaviors. I’m trying to be more understanding and remember they’re just kids, but sometimes it’s difficult to remember all that in the moment. Being a specials teacher, it is difficult to apologize if I need to afterward because I only see each class once/week. I don’t want to feel burdened by this every year. It needs to get better.
   I work in a Title 1 school in Brooklyn. This means I have many students who are at risk emotionally, financially, behaviorally, and academically. Last year we moved to 100% free breakfast and lunch for the entire school. There are many unstable children and it can be very difficult to deal with their problems when 1- you don’t really know what they are, 2- you see the child once/week (and maybe occasionally in the hallway or cafeteria), and 3- you are trying to teach a class of 24 other students that need your attention. This is probably the hardest part of my job.

2. I’m anxious that my principal and administration absolutely hate me. I know this is not true, but when things go wrong, I tend to hang onto them tightly and create the worst possibly scenario in my mind. Last year I had two major incidents that happened that really put me through a loop: the 5th grade musical incident and the classroom management incident with my 2nd grade ICT class. I will not be in charge of the musical this year (although I’m not exactly sure why I was in charge of it the last two years since I did not teach 5th grade) and I’m working on my management (again), so things should be better. I also have two grade teammates now who can back me up about things we need to change for the musical, so that’s a plus.
   OMG just writing this has made my heart start beating faster and my hands start shaking.

3. I’m anxious that I’m going to get pregnant and that I’m going to be exhausted doing my job and creating a life at the same time. My last pregnancy was mainly during the summer and I got to take lots of naps (it was the BOMB!) If I get pregnant right away, no naps at 2pm. This is partly why I am writing all my unit plans now, so it’ll be one less thing to worry about. I can take some more breaks during my day so I’m not so tired at the end of the day.

4. I’m anxious that Freddie isn’t going to be fully potty trained before the next baby gets here. This is completely irrational and I know it is. But it’s still a crazy mom thought I have. I also am afraid I’m not going to have enough energy at the end of the day for Freddie and I’m going to be exploding at him more often.
   Holy crap is it difficult being an early music education teacher and a mom! My vat of patience has been depleted greatly! (I used to say I had a vat of patience and that’s why I was so good with little kids…which was true…and then teaching in a public school tested all of that and soaked up my vat of patience).

5. I’m anxious that I’m going to be an exhausted mess and my husband is going to hate me. The past few weeks, Dann has been working overtime. He has literally been working for three weeks straight. I’ve been cleaning and keeping the house together and cooking and being the main parent right now because he’s exhausted. During the school year, Dann picks up a lot of slack. I don’t want to be a burden on him at all. He does so much for our little family, I want to be the most supportive wife I can be to him.

I feel like I’m anxious most of the time. I had a random anxiety attack the other day. Freddie kept having accidents and I was trying to get out of the house and the kitchen was a mess and I found myself standing in the doorway to my kitchen, grabbing onto the doorframe for dear life, and crying while the room was spinning. I was able to calm myself down in a few minutes by focusing on Freddie playing happily in the other room, but I don’t want that to happen again. I do not enjoy panic attacks (not like anybody does) and want to keep myself as calm as I can. I was feeling better in July when I was working out, but I hurt my shoulders and took a break and I started to spiral again. I need to find a good yoga program I can do in the mornings and actually get my butt up and do it. It’s good for my mind, body, and soul.

alright, my anxious self should really get to bed. goodnight all!

~mana~