Parenting is hard in Tangent

Parenting is hard. Like stupid hard. I know that is not the most eloquent way to put it, but it is. The fact is parenting is a bomb and not just one bomb like one big bomb filled with a bunch of tiny little bombs. Lord knows you can’t just defuse the big one! Oh no! Heaven friggin’ forbid. You have to defuse the little ones first and pray you don’t set them off. AND if you do set them off hope again it doesn’t set the whole big bomb off.

Confused?

Sorry. My mind works in comparisons.

Imagine this. One of your tiny bombs is your chore schedule for the kid(s). How you handle this could go smoothly. Bomb defused. Or it can result in anger, hissy fits, general upset. Bomb blew up, but no chain reaction. OR your child hated every minute of having to do chores and grew up to be an adult that just remembered what a strict parent you were and begrudges you for it the rest of their life. Bomb exploded and caused the whole big bomb to go BOOM.

Catastrophe.

Now imagine for a minute what the best way to defuse a bomb is; in silence with complete assistance at your every beck and call OR with voices all around telling you the best way to defuse all at the same time and all throwing up their hands when you snap ‘if you can do it, then do it’.

I know which way I would prefer, but it just doesn’t happen. Everyone has a better opinion on how to raise your own kids and most of them choose to let you know. Sometimes with words and sometimes with their faces.

I admire people who can just let this roll off and ignore it. I am not one of those people. I put up a front that I am, but better believe every criticism they say goes straight to my brain and gets cataloged with the rest…especially when they come from my hubby and my mom.

Part of the reason I listen to it all is for my girls’ sake. They are my world and I want to make every right decision I can with them. I know I won’t always be their favorite person, but sometimes the right decision for them will be that reaction. I get it. I want to take the criticism and grow. But when that advice starts conflicting, when that advice is just plain insulting me, when that advice isn’t what is right for them, I stumble and I falter. I choke on too many choices.

This is a high pressure job. Laugh all you want. Roll your eyes. But I am shaping their childhood. Every decision I make shapes their future and gets set in stone as their past.

Example?

Billy’s parents sign him up for baseball at four years old and later grows up to take the World Series. What if Billy’s parents did soccer instead? No, World Series. Instead Billy never really found his true passion and ended up doing a job he shrugs at that is nothing special.

Small turns, can lead to big paths or hard ones. As a parent we don’t have that road map. We just guide our kids like we know the way. We do not know the way. I repeat, WE DO NOT KNOW THE WAY! We are driving around willy-nilly and hoping for the best!

GAH!

I see why some people don’t want kids. Smart choice. Honestly! I love my kids and I have dreamed of being a mom since I was three years old. I wouldn’t change having them for the world. I even want a third eventually. I am beyond blessed to have them, especially after struggling with infertility. BUT I do not judge any person who says they don’t want them. For one thing, it is none of my business. Second, them not wanting them is not a reflection on how they feel about me or mine. Third, it shows a lot of maturity/responsibility them not wanting and following through. Fourth, did I mention it is none of my damn business? Fifth, we live in a world with high population and a lot of kids in foster care. Just saying.

I just really hope I’m not screwing my girls up. I put a lot of thought in raising them…well, somethings I overthink. Then there are those times I didn’t actually overthink for once…INSTEAD I underthought it. My dear darling hubby is always there to point out my failure.

I promise I’m not as bitter as that sounded. It just hurts when he does, because I make sure to bite my tongue for his sake and for my girls. Why hurt his parenting confidence? Why undercut him in front of our kids. And no, there is no “constructive criticism” with him. Oh he offers what his opinion is, but don’t give it to him. He will take whatever you say to him and intensify it by hundred. And frankly I don’t like hurting him like that. So I opt to keep my happy trap shut for the sake of his feelings.

Sigh.

Why can’t I ever just do one thing 100% right? Why can’t I for once feel like a good mom? A good “wife”? A good daughter? Hell, even a good person. It is hard not ever feeling worthy, but pretending to the world like I do. Do I have any business raising kids like this? I make sure not to show this to my girls. What they will remember of their mother when they are older is she was the glue to the household. She paid the bills, she cooked the meals, she woke in the middle of the night for every nightmare or sickness, she calmed daddy during any of his “temper tantrums”, she did it all. She did it all and she smiled. She gave them a happy childhood. She was always strong, so they could always crumble into her arms.

I have to be strong. I have to hold all this up. No matter how heavy it is. No matter how my body hurts. I have to hold it all up. I can’t crack. There is too much at stake.

They are far too important to crack.

I will keep these bombs safe and sound.