In Limbo in I'm still figuring it all out

None of this will make sense and that’s fine. I’m still figuring it all out. I turned 20 less than a month ago and I had immediately had a panic attack. I didn’t plan this far out. I thought I would’ve killed myself at 19 but here I am, not knowing how to move forward. I should just continue to live my life the way I have been but life is so boring even when I’m having fun. Does it have anything more to offer me? Do I have anything to offer life?
You don’t know me but I’ll be honest with you all right now: I have commitment issues. Most of it related to romance but 12% of it is correlated to my relationship with death. To sum it up, death is always going to be there. Death isn’t indecisive. They know what they want and what they want is all of me but I do not want all of death.
I will never be satisfied with either result.