Purpose for Joining in Tangent

So I wanted to start this so I could get my feelings and my thoughts out. I am a very headstrong person, but I am also a people pleaser. A huge contradiction I know. When it comes to strangers, I don’t give a flying flip what they think about me. However when it comes to those I love and care about I will move Heaven and Earth just to make them happy…even at the expense of my own happiness. I bottle my negative emotions and I plaster on a smile, because that is what people want. Even with my own friends, I act like a ditzy goofball just to see them smile/laugh. I am smarter than I give the appearance I am. Anything you need to know about me is that I am a walking contradiction. There are so many aspects of my personality that conflict with each other and in the end I drive myself crazy.

Alas I am alone in driving myself crazy. On the outside I smile, I laugh, I shrug off, and vomit up some optimistic cliche. I’ve done this my whole and after thirty years the baggage I carry is becoming too heavy. I remember doing this as a kid. I had to protect my mom. I had to shield my family. I couldn’t trouble them with some of my more darker memories that shadow the colors of my childhood.

I’ve always been described as such a “bubbly person”.

As I type those words tears fill my eyes.

No one knows. No one sees it.

Before one may be quick “Oh they do, you just don’t know.”

No. Trust me. They don’t. As far as bottling emotions, burying them deep inside, and handling the weight of world on my own goes…I am the best.

I feel like I am drowning and everyone thinks “Oh what a fine swimmer she is.” but since they are enjoying their day at the beach…how can I possibly yell out for help?

I promise not all these journal entries will be so melancholy. I have plenty in this world I am grateful for. I am a mother to two beautiful little girls who are the strength of my smile: real or fake. They are incredible. Absolutely breathtaking.

I pray every day the dark of this world never clouds the light they exude. Don’t get me wrong I am not one of those moms who thinks their spawn are perfect. One of my daughters crumbles under any kind of pressure and the other is the female equivalent of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But I recognize these traits in their personalities so as they grow I can help them navigate through them.

As a parent it is key that I love them unconditionally, but it is also pivotal that I recognize their faults so I can help them achieve happiness in this life.

I’d like to post YouTube videos with every post. I adore music! Music, movies, books is what I do. I am a very creative based person.

In other words, do NOT ask for my help in math or science.

Typical pisces! Typical A.D.D. person! Typical me! I have gone off on a tangent from where I started to where I ended. I do not know if anyone will read this. I doubt anyone will, but typing it out helps. Sharing my secret workings to the corners of the web is cathartic. I instantly feel better. I cannot share these things with anyone else. It would burden them. I cannot do this. Instead I will type it, post it, and if you don’t like it then don’t read it.

I feel better.

Again, I assure you, there will be happiness posted on here as well. But more often than not, this will be my way of venting.