KEEEEEVVVVVIIIIIINNNNN!!! in Hot town, summery in the city - 2017

Also known as Home Alone.

Me, that is.

In my house (actually garden) with no one else here. Not a single. other. person.

Well, there are the cats but they’re draped in shady, cool spots inside.

L goes to Young Carers because her life is sometimes a little tougher than it should be with having T as a sister. T takes out anxiety and stress on L. This can be verbally or physically for example, last week they were playing a game on the computer together, something didn’t load properly. The next thing, L flew off her chair sideways, ramming into the door because T needed to punch something… Also, T feels very uncomfortable going into (eg) public toilets alone so L often says she needs to go, even when she doesn’t, to help T to go. L often gives me or R a hug when she can see we’re feeling stressed or sad because of T’s situation.

So, L had three days away on a trip to a farm in Somerset with Young Carers. I think she had a nice time although she ended up sharing a room with (in her words) the most annoying child there! I do think she’s incredibly brave because it isn’t like a school residential where you know the teachers and kids. The adults are kind of known to her through other Young Carers activities like the Christmas party, sports days and the like, but she had never met any of these kids before. Yet she signs up, takes a deep breath of determination and goes. Every part of me wants to wrap her up in my love, go with her and keep her safe but, in reality, when she tells me she’s ready for me to go, I give her a squeeze and a kiss but I can tell she’s focusing on the job in hand as she doesn’t react. I tell her I love her and I leave. That is what happened on Wednesday when I dropped her off.

T and I had three days in which we ate breakfast out, mooched around charity shops, chilled together on the sofa, did glass painting etc…

L got home yesterday, I emptied the suitcase of her things and put T’s in. She has a trip too, with a charity called Youth Adventure Trust. They work with secondary school kids who have problems with anxiety, self esteem, anger etc… T was one of 7 picked by her school to go with this cohort. It lasts for a little over two and a half years with a variety of day trips and residentials. Because of her anxiety, I didn’t truly believe that T would get on the coach until she actually did. We had a lot of last minute panics which had me buying new bras, trainers, leggings, socks, T shirts, facial wash etc… because she’s worried that over the six days they will all get filthy and she’ll need a couple of outfits a day. She’s worried that she won’t cope without music (no electronic equipment allowed) as she uses it to calm down when anxiety hits. I kept telling myself that she may not get on the bus and if she didn’t then that would be fine but she’s such a different person during the holidays, I get my daughter back when the pressure of school is removed. And, despite a couple of wobbles, she went. Each time she told me how nervous she felt I said, ” Of course you are,” or, “that’s to be expected,” or, “so is everyone else,” and then she was fine.

Once she got on the bus, and it drove away (and I muttered, “I’m so proud of you baby girl,”) I felt a huge weight lift, a weight that I didn’t realise was so heavy, and I didn’t know what to do so I drove. And I cried. And my moisturiser dripped into my eyes with my tears so I had to stop driving because I couldn’t see. I pulled into Waitrose car park which is next to the canal and I walked along the canal to the town centre, did a bit of a loop along the old railway line (which is a cycle/foot path now). I walked until I felt myself slow down emotionally at which point I listen to the running water and watched the reflection of the canal dance on the bricks of the bridge above it. Eventually I made it back to Waitrose, bought a small amount of food (for an exorbitant amount of money) and came home.

R and L are at the football (they have special football daddy/daughter date Saturdays every so often).

A sun lounger, a glass of ice water, a punnet of cherries and a book. Those have been my companions for the past hour and a half. I think relaxation is complete.