Guilt in Memento Mori
- July 31, 2018, 9:10 a.m.
- |
- Public
How do I stop being so down on myself?
My few friends are more than I deserve,
yet it’s never enough.
I want to be the best. I want to be the favourite. I want to be loved.
In love -
With the idea that maybe i’m not being carried around out of pity,
or duty,
or because nobody’s told them yet that they should stop.
How do I find value in myself?
How do I create it?
Love is supposed to be warm, right?
Liberating, right?
So why does every bond I’ve made just feel like a cold chain pulling me down to the Earth,
Dragging me away from that inevitable ledge?
Why do I feel so guilty about living?
All of them
They’re keeping me alive.
Holding me back when I want to jump.
But I want to jump.
Last updated October 25, 2020
2 Comments
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if.i.fall. ⋅ July 31, 2018
i felt this too much, particularly the bonds feeling like cold chains
i'm always embarrassed to be living... i want everyone's love but also to be invisible
is there anything you do that gives you a gleam of value in yourself?
Apple-Man if.i.fall. ⋅ July 31, 2018
That is a good question, and I think the answer to it really depends on how I'm feeling that day. There are certainly times when I believe I'm worth something, though I don't think it's ever a specific aspect or action of mine that provides the value, and more of just a general increase in optimism.
My life is sort of like an emotional roller coaster, except it's one of those child ones, so the highs aren't really all that higher than the lows, you know?