i dont want to do anything
it’s something i consciously ignore whenever i can. but i dont enjoy many things.
wait
do i not enjoy many things
or
do i not enjoy the things that are actual possibilities for me to do right now?
i feel like i grew up knowing i never wanted to live a simple life. then somewhere along the way, stuck in poverty and gross apartments, i wished for a simple life that was stable and comfortable. eventually i made it there. i’m there. and for some reason it isn’t good enough.
i used to think i didn’t deserve to be here. it felt so weird. then it was such a drastic improvement, i felt so much happier and so lucky. now it has been almost 5 years, and i am in such a rut.
i feel selfish for not just having gratitude. but if feels like nothing is progressing, nothing is happening. i am so bored. i dont have people or things or work that move me. i dont have passion.
i desperately want more independence and freedom, but dont want to be alone.
i want to escape. i want to leave everyone’s expectations behind.
i feel like im always muting myself, and yet im still too much for people.
dare to be critical of the world and the world will be critical of you.
rather than trying to understand the framework of these things.
rather than attempting to examine the reasons why people are so good at consuming and so bad at forming connections of value in a world that we live so much on the surface of.
i just dont really understand why the only acceptable fun activities are ones where people are screaming over a ball being thrown and eating some kind of meat covered in buffalo sauce. or like, buying things.
i want to have meaningful conversations that support people and positive change. which is hard, because it seems like every other asshole has a selfish reason for wanting to do those things.
no i dont have any summer vacation plans, im not 12 years old. and sorry i dont really want to talk about yours. i dont care about going to the jersey shore and hanging out with tacky fucking drunk people. the only drunk people i like are myself.
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