It Was Always Him in TheIntrovertedSocialButterfly’s non existent dating life

So, after I left my husband (a year and a half ago) and before I decided to take the plunge and dive in to the world of online dating, there was a good year+ where I was trying to just figure things out on my own. I didn’t want to dive into a relationship just because I was feeling lonely. Especially since I have a 6 year old daughter that I had to think about. There were a lot of changes happening and I knew that it wouldn’t be smart to add another person into the mix.
I spent the first few months spending time with my girls. They would come over to my new place on the weekends and sit for hours just laughing and supporting each other. We were all going through some rough spots in our life. And most of them had to do with ex or current partners.
And on the nights when we didn’t have the kids, we would go out.
I loved 2 blocks from our favorite bar. One of my best friends was the bartender there. And a shareholder. So we were treated like queens when we were there. Honestly, I didn’t really care about the spot itself. I mostly cared about seeing my friend when he was there.
He was the guy that I have always had a connection with. From high school until now.... there was always a special spot in my heart for him. And I knew he felt the same way. In HS we went to dances together… and he was always the one to pick me up on the weekends and take me to the parties. He protected me and made sure I didn’t drink too much. He never tried to take advantage of me. He was just always there. And I loved him for that.
We were both shy when it came to expressing feelings but we didn’t need to. We both knew that we cared for each other. And we both knew that we were too scared to take a risk to tell each other how we really felt in fear that it would mess something up. Sometimes that killed me, but I was okay…he was still in my life.
Once it was time for college, I moved to the city for school and he stayed home. He came to visit me a few times and I came back home quite a bit. So we still saw each other.
That was until I met my ex-husband. Then my trips home weren’t as frequent. Soon after, I found out that he got back together with an old gf from high school. We drifted apart.
When we did see each other, my heart would race. Maybe because I just missed him? Or maybe because that’s what I was supposed to feel when I saw someone that I truly cared about?
Fast forward several years. Moved back home, got married, had a kid. I was content. Kind of. But not really. My marriage sucked. I felt alone for most of it. I started spending more time with friends to make up for the lack of companionship in my marriage. We would meet up for drinks at THE bar. HE was the bartender. He was always sweet. He had since broke up with his gf… the same one from HS. It was like we never drifted. He told everyone that I was introduced to that I was one of his oldest and best friends. I still missed him.
So, back to the beginning of this post.... my friends and I would hang out there and eventually he would hang out with us too when he wasn’t working. There were other old (guy) friends that would hang out with us also. It was so much fun. One night he told me that he thought we should just get married and finally be happy. I laughed it off. He was just being silly… right?
Once summer rolled around, we started making plans to do things outside of the bar as well. We (our friends group) went to festivals, barbecues… he even planned a trip to Atlantic City for four of us. Later, I learned that he did that because I said I wanted to go. The trip was great. He paid for the rooms. And a show. I loved it.
After our trip, we continued to hang out. And feelings started getting stronger between us. We went to a concert together. Just the two of us. It was kind of awkward, but kind of felt like a date. After that, whenever we hung out and we’re drinking, he would let it slip and tell me he loved me.
And he would get more serious about the situation as months went on. I loved that he said that. But I also knew that he was really drunk when he was saying those things. So I didn’t take it too seriously. You see.... I started realizing that he had a problem with alcohol. He would keep drinking.... and not stop until he went home and passed out. It wasn’t good. I don’t know if he blacked out all of the time or if he was regretting what he said but every time he would pour his heart out, I would talk to him about it. But then the next day… or few days… he would go silent. It was so weird. I didn’t know what to think. And then he would always come up with the excuse that he didn’t remember a lot of the night.
But that didn’t stop him. By November, he completely poured his heart out to me. Told me that he has loved me since high school and that he knows I feel the same way about him. That he just wants to be able to hold me like he’s always thought about. That it’s time that I just admit it. So, I did. I told him that he was right. That night, we were with friends and ended up staying out until 5 am. Of course he was wasted. We all were really, but I didn’t get so bad that I forgot anything that happened. Wellllll… I guess he did. Again. Sigh. This was getting old.
The next time it happened changed everything. He was part of a charity group that was throwing a Christmas fundraiser. A few of us went to support the group and after we all ended up at our favorite bar. I was feeling festive in my fancy red dress and white fur… he was all dapper in his velvet blazer. We were both feeling pretty good from some apple cinnamon moonshine. At the end of the night, he walked me home. (Which he always did). But this time, I didn’t quite make it home. At the corner of my block, he grabbed me and kissed me. He told me that he was in love with me and asked me to come home with him so he can hold me. I was hesitant because that next morning (only a few hours away) was Christmas Eve. But I’ve waited so long for that kiss that I just couldn’t say no. I told him I was nervous about it and he told me that whatever happened, I was still his favorite person in the world. I fell for it. Lol. When I got to his house (only a block from mine) he pulled me to the couch and held me. Kissed me gently and told me again he loved me. One thing lead to another and we ended up fooling around. Not sex. Way too drunk for sex. But things happened. After that he held me on the couch and told me that he loved me so much. And then.... boom… passed out. I could see the sun coming up so I woke him and told him that I had to get home. I was hosting Christmas and had a lot to do that day. He nodded and I walked home.
I cried the whole way home. I was sick to my stomach. I didn’t know if it was the booze, my nerves or all of the suppressed feelings for him that just started overflowing. I tried to sleep but I wasn’t very successful. I was a nervous wreck.
The next day.... nothing.... the following day… nothing. I finally texted him to see if we were ok. He says “of course we are”
I saw him here and there and it was so awkward. I couldn’t look at him. And from what my friends told me… he was acting the same way. I spent most of January crying over this disaster. I was too afraid to talk to him. And he didn’t talk to me.
One night we were both out with a large group of friends. I heard him talking about me to one of them. He was saying that it’s killing him that he loves me so much and I won’t even talk to him. But I was frozen. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say.
This sucked.
It’s been a few months now and the emotional wreck that I was is gone. I think that I’ve become numb to the whole situation. I know that I have feelings for him deep down inside, but I don’t think anything will come from it. We have grown apart. It’s awkward. Really awkward. So, for now, I’m trying to move on through my unsuccessful online dating. And hoping that one day my best friend comes back to me..... I miss him