Triggers are the gift you never wanted but keep on giving.
Yesterday I was triggered cuz Chris said he was going to come outside with me, an hour later he was still on the computer. To the average person, that’s nothing. Not really a big deal or maybe a bit irritating. To me though… That’s how Shawn would ignore me. He would get caught up in what he was doing, usually it involved a computer or a video game… And he would stay there for hours.
I waited and waited and waited so fucking long for him to acknowledge my presence or to remember me. But he never did. Or he did but didn’t act on it.
Now I know that Chris is not Shawn nor would he purposely treat me that way but it doesn’t matter. Because my brain is processing it the way it used to. I was really angry at first. Not at Chris specifically but at the situation. Now, its morning and I’m still triggered.
Even more triggered. My brain has got me in that mode. Brace yourself Bina, this is where he stops loving and needing you because you’re just you.
And it keeps saying all these nasty things to me that I KNOW do not apply to this relationship. But there they are.
I hate being fucked up. I hate that Shawn stripped away so much of me and this is what’s left. I hate myself sometimes. I don’t want to be damaged goods anymore but its such a long fucking process to deal with, to undo or fix rather.
I wish I could be better…
Loading comments...