All of my life I've dealt with depression. Not just my own mind you; but various members of my family as well. My mother, my brother, etc. It's hereditary. In my family OCD and Depression run rampant. We are all living with it.
Mine came to a head after I had my children. My postpartum depression after my second son was so bad, my husband and I decided to not have any more children. And I also started taking medications. I am still on medications. The medications are good. I still FEEL, I just don't get stuck.
Well today is just one of those days. I woke up already in the hole. Not sure why. No good reason. Had a good day yesterday. Stayed home with the boys because of a snow day. Played "Cards Against Humanity" with Nathan (we are HORRIBLE people sometimes!) before bed for an hour. I actually slept pretty good too. But in the shower, I burst into tears for no reason. And I couldn't stop. So I let them come. It's best to not fight them when that happens.
I told Nathan (my husband for new readers) and he wanted to know if there was something he could do. He cradled me in his arms for a bit and just let me be. But the real answer was, "No." I asked him if he knew I couldn't control it and he said, "Of course I do. Do you need to stay home?" I wanted to stay home. I wanted more than anything to hide from the world. I told him that. But I can't. I have to work. I have to go in so I don't get fired. So I said I'd put on my mask and hide the pain from everybody just like I always do when this happens.
Thing is, people can tell something is wrong. Right now, I'm blaming the weather. Everybody knows how much I hate the cold and it is MISERABLE cold right now. It should be 40 and it's 12 with a negative windchill. It's not a lie. The cold is probably part of the problem. But it's not the whole thing.
I am not alone. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. This will pass.
I wish I was someplace else. Someplace warm and sunny. Someplace quiet. Someplace happy. Someplace else. Just someplace else.
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