4 a.m. in Musings of an Ordinary Life

Why does happy hour always turn into happy 4 a.m.?

A few coworkers and I went out last night. My coordinator - a member of my team who has been like my right hand, baby sister, and friend through it all gave her notice on Monday and I’m devastated. I’m already down a team member and now she is leaving. I tried to keep her happy and plead with her to stay, but she doesn’t want to be in legal and we couldn’t match her offer. I’m really sad about it and feel like I just can’t catch a break at work.

I know it will get better. Trying to hang in.

Anyway - it was very drunk last night and these days when that happens it usually ends in tears. Especially because I dreamt the prior night that my sister had killed herself. I worry all the time about her. It’s a weird feeling when you can’t help someone. How many attempts will it take before she succeeds? There are only so many combinations of drugs, therapy, mental wards and outpatient programs one can try before all hope is lost. Especially when her doctors are calling her “treatment resistant” which in her ears is “I’m a lost cause and will never feel better.” If you ask me it’s fucking negligent to tell someone with active suicidal thoughts that they are treatment resistant…like what do you fucking think that’s going to do to her already damaged psyche?

I keep it together most days. It’s tough to hold back when I drink though. At least it’s getting out. I can’t really talk about it with anyone because they all look to me for support and everyone knows I’m a rock. I’m always fine. And I am. It just gets tough sometimes.