Little things... in It's a llittle llazy over here

… will help you survive.

So today I officially find out my payrise etc, and the promotion of my colleague will be confirmed. I would be lying if I said there won’t be a very large part of me that doesn’t even want to go to work to be reminded of the fact that he will shortly be earning significantly more than me despite the fact that he couldn’t even begin to do my job.

Of course, it’s silly. I’m not upset at him or the firm or management. I’m upset because his promotion rubs my face in the fact that I am and always have been a massive underachiever relative to my talent. Always. And I know it. And knowing it just makes me more angry. I’m lazy. I’m unmotivated. I drift along the path of least resistance and he did not. He has little talent but he did what he needed to do, he pushed where he needed to push and things happen when you do that.

And that’s the reality. And I know it is. And yet, I’m still angry at * him* and the fact that I have no right to be makes me angry at myself for being such an unreasonable twat sometimes.

Kind of a vicious circle, that one.

But, good things come out of these things. I’ve already had conversations about this year and I am moving into the role that I was supposed to move into last year, leading on a particular aspect of the team’s work. This Monday there will be a team update, and as little a thing as it may be, if they’ve moved the box I sit in on the org chart to reflect that, it’ll give me hope that it’s not all just platitudes because they know I’m more than a bit pissed about the fact that I was given a role last year that would have been at the next grade and then immediately dumped out of it because of a re-org.

It is up to me. Always has been. So we’ll make a go of it.

In parallel news, I’ve done something I’ve been planning to do for a long while and have kicked off a youtube channel. Storytelling; very niche. I expect nothing of it, it’s practice and a creative outlet - just throwing the stuff out there. A wise youtuber recently did a video talking about being honest on youtube, so that’s what I’m at - doing what I actually like to do for me, and if people like it, great. If not, it keeps me writing.

Suspect it’ll take a few months to knock the rough edges off - I’ll be strictly honest here and say that my first channel intro was absolutely toe-curlingly awful, and the new one isn’t much better. The first real video isn’t exactly award-winning stuff either. I wouldn’t subscribe, that’s for sure.

Not alone with that so far - I’m in the zero subscribers zero likes club after six days. So hey! The only way is up.