Sleeping in Resolution

I should be asleep. But instead I’m lying here thinking about how empty I feel. I feel like someone has hollowed me out. I know every year changes. Every year things “aren’t ever going to be the same,” but I am sick of having a literal crisis every damn year. I don’t trust him. I probably never will. He gives me no reason to trust anyway. I suck at this, I am just so monogamous. Like I can think about wanting sex with someone else, but I can’t imagine actually doing it. At least not in detail. I am trying to practice in my mind. Thinking of guys who flirt with me at work and imagine sleeping with them. Especially the one who’s name I never got- I can’t believe he actually made me blush when he said I had beautiful eyes. It has been so long since I had that reaction. But here I am, still in love with the same guy I’ve been around for 5 years. Who might as well have cut a hole into my heart the size of TX for all he’s done. I don’t know why I care to try. But I’m not stupid enough to get tied back down to him. Just stupid enough to let my feelings run off but not stupid enough to actually tell him I am his again and I doubt I ever will be. I just wish he’d at least stop being the one in my sex dreams- I wish that at least in my vivid dreams that aren’t nightmares I could stop being so stupidly ridiculously faithful. They never deserve it anyway.