Today I was asked to fill up an interview questionnaire for a student publication from my alma mater. I’m normally very excited about the idea of sharing my experiences as an online volunteer, but this was an exception.
The most difficult question was, ” [[translated]] As a Lasallian, what lessons from the university helped you into forming and driving your campaign against child marriages into a success for the children of Zimbabwe?” It took a while for me to figure out how to answer it, and my friends even told me to mention the DLSU core values (spirit of faith, zeal for service, and communion in mission). I felt that it was inadequate, so I narrated my volunteer experiences when I was in college.
” [[translated]] I was just a student in De La Salle University when I saw the significance of what they call ‘new lease on life.’ I was one of the volunteers for the Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, where I assisted in processing the release papers and accomplishing other administrative duties for Muntinlupa City Jail. I was able to talk to some of the inmates, and for them, having that second chance to make things right is almost impossible, even when they are pardoned. I am thankful for DLSU because of the opportunity, because it taught me the importance of hope, especially for the underprivileged and the victims of unfortunate circumstances. The ‘new lease on life’ concept stuck with me, and when the chance to give someone else hope came my way, I took it as a mission.”
New lease on life. Isn’t that amazing? I’m not sure. I think I got a lot of it in the past because of the mistakes I made. I burned a lot of bridges and was responsible for some of the friendships that ended. I almost died three times (pregnancy-related complications). I almost got married twice, did the wedding once (most of my family and some friends thought I made the wrong choice). I’m stuck in a job I like, but a company I’m not so happy about.
I’m at this point where I’m not sure I want that new lease anymore. I get up, instantly abhor the reason why I wake up (and it’s not even because of my problems anymore) and is forced to wing it everyday. At work, people catch me staring blankly at my monitor, sometimes with tears. My friends are amazing but I cannot have them around all the time. My son, the greatest thing that ever happened to me, is an intelligent boy who never ceases to amaze me; and most times I pray that he be the instrument for me to stay alive.
But most times, I’m not sure if I still want to get up the next day. I barely talk about suicide now because (1) people think I’m not serious, or (2) people who took me seriously in the past do not deserve to hear how much I hate my life. Also, you should have heard a “friend” tell me this earlier: “Whenever you text me, it’s always not a good time.” I instantly apologized because it sounded like I bothered her in my dark moments, when I needed someone to talk to, or talk me out to get away from those thoughts. She responded, “Until when are you going to be sad?”
Sometimes I just wait to be murdered. Or intentionally cross the street like an idiot who would eventually be run over.
I bought myself a rosary, thinking that divine intervention would help. I even consulted a person who does spiritual awakenings. I talked to a psychiatrist this week (instant PHP2000 down the drain). I’m running out of avenues to stay sane.
So maybe, just maybe, I have reached the limits on the “leases”.
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