I have fallen head over heels for a man who is out of my league. He’s gorgeous and exciting and every move he makes is perfect. I’m awkward and make everything ridiculous. I saw him tonight, he was wearing the famous boots. I tried to talk to him and my voice got caught in my throat. Here I am at 6 in the morning telling myself that he won’t ever be into someone like me, I’m a little chubby and that brings my self-confidence down, but the way he looks at me and speaks to me makes it seem I have a chance. There’s only one problem - I’m engaged to a boy in the Marines. He talked me into marrying him for the benefits even though I never wanted to get hitched. He’s the opposite of me and we fight incessantly. I hate it. He holds me to a moral standard that I would never set for myself because I am not Mormon like he is. It creates a lot of differences. He’s been gone to basic training for not even a month and I feel more like myself than I have in the two years we’ve been together. I’m not sad, I’m healthy, I’m thriving. I have a queer family that I never would have thought I could be so close to. Everything is unproblematic and I haven’t fought with anyone since he left. It’s very relieving and I didn’t realize how restricting our relationship was.
After two years, he deserves a face to face breakup, not a dear John letter. So I have to wait two more months for him to come back so I can crush his world. I love him, but not romantically and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose him. I’m terrified he will never find love and I’ll be left knowing that I was the reason. We’re too different and I don’t want a military relationship or a relationship with him. So now I’m left with feelings for other people, no feelings for him. I still write him weekly and tell him I love him dearly. It feels wrong because it is. I want to make things as easy on him as possible because I respect him in spite of everything.
But there I was tonight. I took a picture with the half naked man in the boots and he held me. Everywhere his skin touched me is still buzzing with excitement. He’s a long term relationship waiting to happen, and that terrifies me. But I still find myself looking at pictures and having my heart beat out of my chest whenever I get a text from him. I don’t wear my ring when I see him. I told our mutual friends that I was leaving my fiance when he comes back, in hopes that he would in turn find out. It’s shitty and I feel awful. I would never cheat on my fiance, I refuse to. Physically, that is. I can’t help but be overwhelmed with emotions. But I can make an active decision to not have any physical affection beyond a hug with anyone until I get to break it off. And that’s what Ii’m doing. I’m lonely and sad and girls keep hitting on me, but I haven’t slept with anyone and I won’t. The girls I’m interested in are all in relationships, but have confessed feelings for me. It’s a rough life for a hitched bisexual.
So tell me, am I the worst person alive? Or am I doing the right thing? I don’t know anymore. Gold boots makes my butterflies go wild, and these girls are amazing, but I’m waiting to make any moves whatsoever.
Where do I even go from here?
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