I’m not even sure how I found myself on this website or what I’m looking for by typing all of this. Maybe I just need it on a screen in order to process how I feel about it. I seem to have lost who I thought I was. Everyday little by little I forget who I am and what my life is about. Some days are better than others. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the women standing there. I became a wife and a mother at 18. I’ve heard the you’re too young and you should have waited lectures, and I’ve never given them much thought because too little too late. It’s already happened can’t change the past, but here I sit in my dark quiet house at the age of 23 and I can’t stop thinking how I ended up here. Am I looking for sympathy? NO. I’m blessed with 3 beautiful smart children. I’ve been married for almost 5 years to a man who loves me most days, but I can’t stop myself from wondering what happened to the girl I used to be. I feel like I’m giving away pieces of myself everyday and I’m slowly fading into the background. As though pretty soon nobody will even notice if I’m here or not. My husband is losing interest and I understand why. How can you love a person who hates themselves. Sometimes I blame him. I blame him so much for treating me like nothing, for acting as though I’m not good enough. He never tells me I’m beautiful like other husbands do. He never compliments me. I blame him for making me this woman who feeds off the smallest amount of attention because at least it’s something. At least someone sees that I’m more than nothing. But it’s days like today when I realize that I am nothing. That I am treated like this because I’ve allowed him to treat me this way. I chose this life, I made my life now I must deal with the consequences of my actions. Own up to my decisions. Maybe if I tried harder to be more for him, to lose weight, to do my make up better, fix my hair better. Anything to make him see that I want to be more than nothing. If anyone makes it this far into this story I’ll be surprised, however if you did manage to make it to the end I’m glad to know at least someone is reading this. If not that’s okay it’s just words on a screen to some people. Some won’t understand and maybe this won’t make sense to anyone but the woman who is standing in the mirror wondering what her name is. So that’s it for now
xoxo
a.nothing
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