I hired a lawyer this week… He requested that if I had journals or anything to document the abuse, to use it… So now I’m going through 14 years worth of journal entries. It’s been difficult, there’s been a few entries that just gutted me.
I hate the thought of other people reading it. Even though it’s an online diary, it’s different because we were anonymous unless we chose otherwise. Sighs
Work has been ok… Honestly, it varies from day to day.
Chris will be here in 13 days!!
Kids are ok-ish, Ellie has bad allergies I think so she’s not feeling all that well. Gabe and Riley are good tho on that front.
My head is a jumbled mess of wonderful things and very dark things. I suppressed so much of those times with Shawn… Most of the abuse in the beginning. Then there was a lull where the relationship was ok and I’ve been trying to dissect it. Was it “ok” because I had stopped fighting and just became who he wanted? There isn’t much about those times in my journal… And I only recall bits and pieces of it. I worked a lot, so did he, I had the kids with me at work, he only saw us in the evenings and our days off. I’m pretty sure I did just… conform. I stopped fighting the abuse and just accepted it.
After my mental breakdown though, that’s when things got worse with Shawn. Thinking back now, my turning point about him and all of it was when he told me my breakdown was an inconvenience for him. That was like 4 months after my dad died. After that, I got my fight back. It took me a while yet to actually leave but I did it. I fucking did it.
That girl in my entries… ME. I know it’s me but it doesn’t feel like me. It feels like I’m reading someone else’s diary, someone else’s life. It’s not though, it’s mine.
I can’t focus on one train of thought long enough to complete this damn entry.
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