So, I have 5 bosses. Over the course of the last year and a half, each of them in their own way, has “made their intentions about me, known to me”. Some a little more overt than the other, and always in a very private manner. Well, mostly private anyway. I truly do not mean to sound full of myself when I say this, but I think they all have this kind of ridiculous competition where I’m concerned. Who will get me first… I may not always have the best of scruples, but I do know not to dip into “the company ink”.
We all have a very healthy, albeit bawdy sense of flirting with each other though. Nobody really gets in anyone’s personal space, no one except the one “boss” who I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt would be the very last man on earth to ever cross the line. He is a deacon in his church, he is completely devoted to God, his wife and family, in that order. And for that I have more respect for him than any of the rest. But he is also the one who probably flirts the worst with me. I blush RELENTLESSLY, especially when I’m caught off guard. So they all enjoy see just how much they can all make me blush, him especially.
Now, a little bit about me. I am not a total Godless woman, but quite the contrary, I struggle with my faith. I struggle with not feeling worthy to be a Christian. I was brought up in such a “you are a bad woman if you exude any kind of sexuality” type of atmosphere. I want to be able to go to church and not feel like the proverbial “whore in church”.... I crave the community and fellowship of going to church, but this is the bible belt, and I know that I would still be the one alone sitting in the back row, no matter how many Sundays I went. Christians are by nature, unfortunately some of the most judgmental people I know. I feel as though I would not be accepted.
My struggle too has been with seeing the ones, like my boss, who proclaim to be “Pillars of their church”. He’s a deacon, he’s a counselor to many of their youth, he’s a ref for Upwards Basketball, he’s a million different things in his church is my point. But he’s also just a man. And of all of them, I guess I expect more from him, than to be the one who gets “in my space” the most.
I don’t talk about certain aspects of my life. Especially not “those” kinds of aspects at work. In his “former life” he was a middle school teacher. He gets this tone sometimes, when he comes into my office to bring me something, it’s what I call his “teacher voice”. Last Wednesday, he came into my office with a new project he was just awarded. Standing tall and proud, he greats me in his “teacher voice”, which automatically makes me put my guard up, because it’s also that authoritative tone that makes me think something is wrong. He’s says “Ms. ..., you have always been “my girl” and will continue to be “my girl”, but now that “C” is here, how do you want to handle this?” I tell him, “Well, first off, I wished you wouldn’t come in sounding like that, calling me “Ms. ...”. You have that whole teacher voice thing going on, which makes me nervous, like I’ve done something wrong.” He put both his hands on my desk, and leans into my face. Very slowly and not terribly quiet he says, “Have you been bad, do you need to be punished?” I think I audibly gasped, it caught me so off guard. It took me a second to pull my shit together, he’s leaning in further and says it again. I sit back in my chair, cock my head and very quietly say, “You don’t want to go there with me.” He said it a third time, and I repeated myself too. A little more matter of fact. I didn’t want to pull him over that line. And whether he knew what it was that he was saying or not, I think my reaction surprised him. And my comment back to him was a challenge. Again…I didn’t want to pull him over that line. At this point, it was turning me on, and I was trying my best to fight it. I felt betrayed by my own reaction and it made me mad, which only made it worse. And of course I was blushing…RELENTLESSLY. “Why are you blushing so bad” he’s asking. I take a deep breath and moved the conversation back to work.
The next day I was in the kitchen talking to a coworker. I went to fill my water bottle up, and noticed a bee on the faucet. Not that I’m such a girl, that I’m scared of a bee, but I’ve been stung sometimes with allergic reactions. So I knew I didn’t want to get stung again. About this time “teacher boss” comes into the kitchen. I’m looking around in the kitchen for something to swat the bee. My friend that I was talking to swats at it with her cup…I don’t know, don’t ask. Anyway, I say “Thank you, I’m not terribly fond of things that sting that leave welts”. “Teacher boss” looks over his shoulder at me “I doubt that”…and walks out.
NEVER have I EVER mentioned ANYTHING about my Dom/sub tenancies at work. NEVER! And now I feel like it’s on broadcast news at the office.
I don’t know, I feel like as long as I can walk around there in a certain state of ignorance, that people still sort of think I’m all sweet and innocent, then it’ll all be okay. But clearly, I am the only one who “doesn’t know about me”!!!
Why did it have to be him though? That’s the struggle. Everybody else, I could just laugh it off. But he’s the one I go to, to pray with. He’s the one, that I felt like maybe was the only one, that still saw something redeeming in me. He’s the one, who I felt like…when I was ready, could “help me from the gutter”. And now I feel like I’ve just pulled him down there with me.....
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