5 months. 3 of those 5 months not trusting a single god damn word. finally getting the truth, after 5 months … maybe i shoulda named this 5 months …
i finally got the truth out of him. i don’t know how. i don’t know why. but he finally came clean about all of his bullshit. well, i say all … all that he was willing to say.
december when he had sex w his ex … there was also another girl around the same times.
february in texas … ya know … when nothing happened, NOTHING AT ALL, with dog face? got drunk and made out with her, which, i could forgive. honestly. had he been honest and up front about it from the get go … but he wasn’t.
april … good ole april. a few days prior to telling me everything, he slept w TWO different women. in the span of like 4 days.
4 women in the 5 months i’ve known you … to me .. that says desperate loser. and my dumbass fell for all of the lies. he had me thinking something was wrong with me. because i knew he was hiding stuff and it was driving me crazy … literally.
the last two weeks of my life with him have been pure hell on earth. do i believe the lies anymore. do i bust him out to the women he cheated with. do i show them the screen shots of the man they are falling for telling ME that i’m not replaceable, that he loves me, that i can have him whenever i want … 3 days ago. do i show them the screenshots of him saying i’m his other half … oh. and the big one “i was going to get you pregnant so you’d have to stay” .... i’ve started drinking, a lot, again. i started taking pills again. things i had stopped .. for him. i don’t see or understand how you can be so torn up and against what your ex did to you, and then turn around and do the very same thing to someone else. lie. cheat. manipulate. REFUSE TO LET GO.
he told his friend, who is mine too, that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but refuses to block me bc i will kill myself … kinda egotistical in my opinion. speaking of though. i went out of town for work sunday-tuesday. i stayed at my mothers while my coworkers stayed in a hotel. monday night was real bad. i drank too much. took too many pills, and ended up cutting my arms open. i’m not afraid of death. i never have been. some days, more so than others, i would welcome it. i wore a hoodie to class on tuesday to hide my arms. my coworker caught a glimpse of them. she shook her head and didn’t say anything further. i realized on my way home from class that evening that he was talking to his ex girlfriend again. yah. the one he cheated with. that supposedly is the worst human being on the entire planet. that ruined his life. that he never even wanted to ever be associated with again … yeah.
side note. he claims to hate her so damn much, yet he has turned in to the male form of her. and it’s sad. because the really does have potential.
… back on track … wednesday i was supposed to go to my first psychiatrist appointment in years. i woke up wednesday and decided no. but i didn’t want to tell anyone i wasn’t going. instead, i went down town and sat on top of a walking bridge for 2 hours and i cried. a lot. everything i’ve been through in the last year and a half hit me all at once. i’m not sure how, or why, but i talked myself down. i was fully prepared to jump. and that is an awful awful feeling i wouldn’t wish on anyone. i got to work around 11. visibly upset. my coworker asked how my appointment went and through tears i told her that it went. a few hours into being there i got extremely overwhelmed and frustrated and just yelled out i was going to kill myself. apparently that alarmed her. she told our captain about my arms and my comment. i got called in his office and forced to show my arms. and subsequently put on administrative leave for the rest of the week.
my phone rang off the wall after i left work yesterday. of course, nothing from him. which hurts. but i’ve come to accept it. spent two hours on the phone w D (the one that is friends w us both) and while on the phone i decided, on impulse, to buy a plane ticket to atlanta. just said fuck it. she sent him the screen shot and he never really acknowledged it and never asked me about it. which irked me. my flight left at 6AM. i got to the airport around 345-4. i sat there for a minute. and i got out of my truck and stared at my phone. almost willing a text or phone call from him to come through. and then i cried. i sank to the ground and held my knees and i prayed to God to end it all … and i didn’t get on the plane. something inside me told me no. told me that it wasn’t going to change anything. of course. he got furious. why didn’t you do this months ago etc etc. he told D this morning that i “better not be coming” and then told me to come. repeatedly. i just can’t. i know i’ll see him w someone else and it will break me.
i told him earlier i think we need to agree to not scream and yell at each other and just be one hundred percent honest with each other and just talk. he agreed. i told him pick a time. then suggested he stay home tonight and we hash things out. if nothing else for closure. he responded “i thought you meant in person” .... and now hasn’t been heard from in an hour.
how can i go down there? when he can’t stay in one night to discuss things and give me the hope enough to come down there? he’s said so many mean things. he doesn’t want me. he doesn’t love me. etc etc. but says come. i can’t. i need to a reason.
i love this man with every single ounce of my heart and my soul. he is/was my entire world. i have fucked up. so bad in this relationship. but all i ever wanted was to feel like i was his one and only. it’s all i’ve needed to give me the push to go. i could see myself getting married again. i could see myself trying to have babies with him. i wanted us. i wanted our lives. i wanted to raise a family, even if it was only dog kids, together. and having it all gone … literally is killing me. he doesn’t deserve me, but i know that all he has to do is tell me “baby they’re gone” and actually prove it to me … and i’ll be on the road or on a plane. maybe i am crazy. i call myself in love and broken.
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