I want you to remember this moment. When it all falls apart, I want you to remember this.
I’ve been staying up too late, drinking too much wine and smoking too many cigarettes. But I’m happy. Or at least think I could be, which is the first step, isn’t it?
I’m trying not to give her too much credit for it. She hasn’t done anything yet, and she probably won’t. She isn’t interested in girls like me, girls who sit a little too far outside of the mainstream pretty box. The attention is good for a time but I know how this ends.
It ends the way it always does, I break a heart or get mine broken. At least this time being the one with the broken heart will be a nice change of pace.
I know that sounds sarcastic but it’s true. I know how to fix my broken heart, but not someone else’s. I’m tired of being a destructive event in someone else’s life; at least this is different.
I want you to remember how you hoped. I want you to remember how you were open for her, how you showed her every part of yourself. How you were truth.
You could ask how this is better. How could it be when it will end the same way? If no matter how you are, everything falls apart, why is this any sort of victory?
And I don’t know how to explain it so that you’ll understand, but my biggest problem has always been me. I am the cause of failure, or have been.
I don’t play the game to win, you see, just to get better at playing.
And finally, I feel like I might be.
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