April 22, 4:30pm
After I told him to be careful because I had cleaned the livingroom, today I walked into the livingroom to find it full of leaves and dirt from his plants.
I asked him to come downstairs, and I told him I was mad.
He was getting ready to go to church, but finally came downstairs.
“I told you to be careful! why did you make a mess?” I said.
He replied, what mess?. I don’t see it.
I walked by the area where it was dirty, by the bookshelf, and I told him to kneel down.
He wears glasses, so his eye sight is bad, I figured if he could see from up close he would realize what I was talking about.
Instead he turned his back to me and walked away.
I tried pulling him back, but he pushed me away and went back upstairs.
I walked outside where the damn plants were soaking the sun and I threw as many as I could, down the hill behind our house.
If there was no plants, there would not be more problems.
We have been married for 11 and a half years, and I’ve always complained of the mess he makes with the plants (among other shit he also makes a mess with).
Let’s say, hygiene is probably the number one issue between us.
[My dad is extremely careful. For his standards I am a mess. He was always careful and considerate when I cleaned the house, and he is the only other man I have lived with.]
The husband stomped outside intercepting me. He was furious. He pulled the pot I had on my hands and pushed me aside.
I walked back to grab a new one and he grabbed my hands, and forcibly dragged me back inside.
We yelled back and forth, I told him to go ahead, to hit me harder so he could see for himself the kind of monster he was.
He yelled at me the same thing he always yells:
You are out of control!
Control yourself!
You are a monster!…
I walked back outside and grabbed a new plant to throw down the hill.
He grabbed me again, and pushed me back so hard that I fell backwards.
I hit my hip on the chair, and my head against the ground.
It hurt so bad that everything went black for a few seconds.
I began crying because it hurt, but i was also overwhelmed by this.
I got up as he made me stand up only to push me inside the house.
Once I got inside I ran towards the book case that still had 2 more plants on top, grabbed the first one and threw it as hard as I could towards the door where he was standing, but my aim was not him, it was the door. I knew it would be an easier area to clean after the fight was over, and I knew it was me the one who had to clean.
When I grabbed the second plant, Nick ran towards me and tackled me against the floor.
He loves grabbing my wrist, because it leaves me unable to move. He grabbed both of my wrists this time, and cross them, crossed my arms in front of my face and pushed them hard against.
My body was against the floor and I had him pushing with my own arms against my face. I was being suffocated and I couldn’t breath.
I had a candy in my mouth, and I began to cough while choking, all together, I couldn’t breath.
I can’t breath! I can’t breath!!! I screamed, but he ignored me, he heard me and he ignored me.
[I had a flashback to when I was 6 (years old).
Me yelling at my mom while she beat me:
You are gonna kill me if you keep hitting me like this!
My mom stopped for a second, looked at me straight in the eye, and said “yes”, and kept hitting me.]
I thought I was never going to feel this vulnerable again. My brain thought “He is trying to kill me for a fuckn plant, this is how much my life is worth for him.”
He finally stopped suffocating me, but I still couldn’t breath well. He was pulling my arms up, and I could not get a full gasp.
He finally let go, and I could breath a mouthful of air again.
My head was killing me, my left hip was aching from the fall, and my ribs had a weird feeling from the lack of air, I was discombobulated and shaky.
Nick reminded me once again how I was a monster, how ironic, right?.
He screamed at me to pack my shit, that I was not welcome here again and that I had to leave.
I’m not leaving anywhere! I replied. I can’t believe your plants are more valuable than me!
YES! he said, as he stomped back upstairs, yes! the same answer my mom gave me…
I laid on the couch until I fell better.
My husband could kill me and today I am certain that he will.
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