My work vendetta in This anxious life

I feel like this is a weird place to begin, but fuck it. Here goes. I have an amazing job that I love. I love the company I work for. In general, I enjoy coming to work every day. About six months into this job, my company decided to hire a dedicated Sales person. Let’s call him Tad. Tad is a middle-aged divorced father of 4 whose hobbies include DJing, singing karaoke (as a regular, “featured singer,” I may add) martial arts, and the great American pastime–GUNS!!!! I’m not really quite sure what Tad does with these guns, he just really likes talking about how many he has and how (I’m assuming) they help him compensate for his tiny, limp penis. He also enjoys fucking twenty-something year old women who, according to Tad, always have an “old soul.” He then enjoys describing these rendezvous in sordid details to whomever will listen–or whomever is too polite to tell him to stop talking.

You can probably see where this is going. Tad, a gun-toting, racist, sexist, red-blooded Republican American pretty much diametrically opposes everything I, a raging feminist, animal rights activist, liberal believe to be good and true in the world. But NO MATTER–I have many Republican friends and I enjoy talking about a good roll in the hay as much as the next guy. I was SURE we could find some common ground. Everybody loves me. I get along with everyone. How hard could this be.

Holy. Shit. I have never worked so hard at something in my LIFE. I tried at first to just be very nice. I’d smile and nod at his appalling racist comments about “poor Hispanics on welfare” or how he would sit mere inches from me voice texting disgusting things to his little girl d’jour. Even though it killed me to do it, I never spoke up about how horribly offensive I found him or complained to my boss. I pretend like I was totally ok with the fucked up shit he said and did because I was overcompensating for my intense and immediate dislike of him. After a few months of this, coupled with his complete lack of follow-through at work–never answers emails, never follows through on tasks, throws everyone else under the boss–in short, this guy is one of the highest paid workers, does the least amount of work, and actually costs the business money rather than provide any sort of benefit–I just couldn’t do it anymore. My tension around him was becoming palpable. I also felt like I couldn’t really say anything because one of things I love about my job is that I work with all men. We joke around a lot and say some pretty fucked up shit that would get you fired in a heartbeat at any other job. But it’s all in good fun and nobody says things seriously that are meant to be offensive–except Tad.

One day I was having a rough day because my health insurance premiums had gone up AGAIN and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to afford my health care costs. Several co-workers and I were talking about our fears in one part of the office. I made a few snarky jokes about Viagra being covered by my ovarian cysts? Sorry! That’s a bunch of white old guys running the country for you. Out of nowhere, Tad comes RUNNING from some other part of the office, gets in my face, and starts screaming at me about some long rant having to do with politics that unravelled into him talking about poor people on welfare? I’m not really sure, I was just so shocked I didn’t know what to do. The fact that he singled ME out (remember, several folks were talking) made me feel really fucking angry and definitely discriminated against. I reported the incident to my boss who was in disbelief that this happened–after all, like I said, we talk about WAY WORSE THINGS all day at work. Needless to say, this really upped the tension between Tad and myself. I wanted to destroy him with words (and shit, even my wee little fists) but I did the sensible thing. I reported it immediately and even offered to apologize for hurting his tiny, tiny little ego. But I made it very clear that there was a double standard in the office that wasn’t right and it should be addressed. Shockingly, it wasn’t.

Tad and I pretty much avoided one another at this point, but there have been some tense times. You know when you really fucking hate someone and every little thing they do just grates on your damn nerves? He is one of the most self-centered people I have ever encountered. 100% your stereotypical good ol’ white boy. Little things he does just irk me. Not to mention the whole, yelling at me with zero repercussions thing. He has since yelled at two other people in the office, I might add. It’s been noted by my boss and others that he has serious anger control issues and I have gone out of my way to highlight what a shitty employee he is, too.

Things sort of came to a head at Christmas time. I planned the company holiday party and then told my boss that I would not be attending. When pressed, I told him it was because I didn’t feel comfortable being around Tad. He was so upset that I was THAT upset that it turned into a whole thing. Tad was “talked to.” For a while, things got better. This is what I lovingly refer to as my “denial of Tad phase.” It was glorious. But unrealistic.

Lately, Tad has been creeping back into my awareness. I feel as though he is passive aggressively trying to grate on me. He’s had several long loud conversations about politics–even though he told me I was offending him by talking about politics. Turns out, as long as your politics align with someone else’s, it’s ok! Insert mega-eyeroll here. His sloppiness and laziness have led to massive amounts of work for me. I have documented his ineptitude and shared this with my boss. At this point the sales are so bad for the company that we have had to freeze pay increases and are very far in the red. This is ENTIRELY Tad’s fault as he is THE SALES GUY.

On Tuesday, he completely fucked up a sales quote by inputing data incorrectly. When this was pointed out to him by my co-worker, he tried blaming the “system.” I calmly but directly pointed out that it was his error, NOT the system’s. He got very defensive and refused to be accountable (I know you are shocked). I am now entering the “Assertive” phase where I directly but politely say what needs to be said. Today, he sent out a company wide email asking if the conference room was booked. I responded to him and my boss that yes, yes it was, and he could use this new-fangled tool called a CALENDAR to see the availability of the conference room. Of course I said it professionally, but seriously, who the fuck is in their 50’s and can’t figure out a fucking calendar!?!?! Anyway, because I am a woman, this happened.

THAT TIME I GOT COACHED AT WORK FOR DARING TO BE AN ASSERTIVE WOMAN

Yes, little known fact: assertive women are considered abrasive and bitchy. Assertive men are called “leaders” and “CEOs.” Women are expected to be nice. Be the “bigger person.” Be the “nice” ones. I am telling you that I have been nice. I have been the bigger person. For a year and a half, I have been a door mat. I have ignored. I have “let it go.” I have been nice even though I was roiling with anger inside. I have put aside my feelings, my beliefs, and my comfort to compensate for this jackass. I have tried, ya’ll. I HAVE TRIED. I just can’t anymore. So when I finally start being assertive, which is what every person on earth says you should do in conflict resolution, here’s what happened.

I got called into the principal’s office and told that even though I am 100% right and this guy is in the wrong, I need to be the bigger person. I need to keep swallowing his shit because it’s “creating a tense environment” for the staff. I, the victim in all this, am being told that I need to essentially just “deal with it.” Rather than discipline and coach the person who is antagonizing and targeting me, I HAVE TO CHANGE. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT YA’LL?! I am so heartbroken that I am being told to essentially shut up and be quiet because of my gender. I know this happens in other places, BUT NOT TO ME! I am just so, so heartbroken. I am no longer able or allowed to advocate for myself at my dream job. I will end up getting fired or quitting instead of the management team disciplining or working with Tad, because it’s “easier” to get me to comply than to either educate or simply fire him.

I am just so depressed and broken over the unfairness of this. I don’t even know what to do anymore.