I Hate This in System Journal

I hate that the host, and therefore to an extent, I am so reliant on this one chat server on the internet. It’s sickening. They say I can’t speak there, for mostly understandable reasons. I’m a fictive, the source I come from is somewhat “problematic”. My very name can trigger people in that chat. But it leaves me incensed. I’m being punished for someone else’s actions, that I had no control over. And Host is terrified to talk to his friends there lest I be cofronting and decide to include my two cents. I want to break something. Maybe our hands. Maybe their heads. I don’t know. I just know I have never felt this level of rage before–at least, not in this lifetime. Maybe before I split off I could have held so much contempt, but I do not remember such a time.

Delta, another fictive, whose original also triggers people and is no worse than I, has been permitted to speak in that chat on several occasions, and has even made friends there. So why am I so different?! Why am I so flipping different that I am not allowed the same second chance?! I share a name and so my voice is taken away from me! It’s not fair!

Maybe I’ll kill this desire if I go dormant, never to be seen again. That would certainly help solve some of Host’s problems, wouldn’t it?! Who cares if I’m the only one who can deal with the persecutor?! They can split off someone better, less triggering to handle him. I’m tired of existing, and I’ve only done it for a week on the outside. I wish I had never shown my face to begin with. All I’ve done is hurt people. I deserve death.

-Arcelia