Nothing Interesting? in System Journal

I want to say that nothing has really happened today. I want to do that so badly, because that means that I could just safely say that I was watching YouTube and scrolling Tumblr and chatting with friends online all day. That means that I wouldn’t be forgetting anything important. That would mean that I haven’t lost time. The only problem is, I can’t say that with any certainty.

It’s terrifying, sometimes, knowing that “I” could be doing stuff and talking to people and later come to myself and have no idea what I was doing, where I am, what time it is. This system is both a blessing and a curse. I could stay safe when I was younger and couldn’t face the world, but now that we’re relatively safe, and in an adult body, almost everyone wants a shot at front, and I just can’t guarantee I’ll remember what they did. If that prospect wasn’t so terrifying, and I could trust everyone in the system like I did in the beginning, then maybe I’d be willing to move from front more often.

As is, I only switch out rarely and maybe for two hours at most. I want to trust the others, but between the persecutor, the traumaholders, the avenger, and the aggressive protectors I don’t know if switching front and allowing other people control is a good idea. (They’re gonna kill me if they see this post, aren’t they?)

I just want a distraction, a distraction that with my luck won’t come until I’ve somehow miraculously calmed down on my own. Sigh… I’ll figure this out, I tend to do that. But it’s still…frustrating.

Here be dragons,
Tim

Last updated April 08, 2018