Im an emotional roller coaster today in The Life Of A Lovely Lacy 2014

As to be expected...since its lady time for me and all. Seriously being a girl really sucks majoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr everything! Today started out good, then it got really crappy and kind of just spiraled. Honestly, nothing major. Mostly just me freaking my self out over nothing. Like booking my loan at work, and getting enough points this month. Its insanely slow at the branch that I work at, so sales are hard as hell and my manager has been a major douche fuck lately. I haven't smoked one crumb of weed in 16 days so I'm sure that has something to do with me being a complete neurotic mess. My job stresses me out. I want a new job, something closer to home. The commute is honestly killing me. Anything with more money would be great, obviously. I need more money because I need a new car and a bigger apartment. I'm over living in this tiny studio and having a broke ass car. I feel like I work my ass off and have nothing to show for it. I know since I quit smoking weed it will save me some money on that, which is great. I really want to work at a credit union. I applied to golden one today so lets keep our fingers crossed for that. I'm really hoping ill get hired there, i need it. I heard credit unions are really good to work for. Dear Lord PLEASE!
Juan is still in san jose, I havent seen him in what feels like forever but is actually only a week and a half. Hassan came over tonight and we talked a little bit about his gf and my bf. Since hes friends with Juan its nice to hear his input on things, makes me feel a bit more secure. Not that I was feeling insecure about juan, but doing the long distance is hard and I miss him. Its nice to know that the boys see what i see in our relationship. I really truly do care about juan and i really love him. Ive never really felt like this in a relationship before. I seriously have been questioning if i have ever really been in love before. All those other times i didnt feel like this, it was always a struggle. This is just so easy and great. Maybe before i was just in love with the idea of love, or infatuated with that person. Im not sure if it was ever really love, because i am feeling "love" now and its nothing like what i have ever felt before. Now that james has passed away i know that i did/ do love him deeply. I didnt know it at the time, i knew i cared about him sooo much and i loved him but i didnt realize i was in love with him. Everyone else in between was just wasting time i guess. I feel such a deep real connection to juan. Its almost unreal. I never thought i would find this, but I have and i hope it doesnt ever change. I hope we can just grow together an embrace life like we have been. I dont want to take one second of him for granted. Losing james has made me realize that i cant do that. Our time together was so precious and limited, i dont want to make the same mistakes with juan. Sometimes i feel sad that when james wanted to stay home or would invite me to things, i would choose to go out and party. I know it was completely out of my control what happened to him, but i cant help but think "if i could take it back or do it all over again". Not a day goes by that i dont think about his smile, his voice, his hug, the way he looked at me, just him as a whole amazing being. What a truly amazing person he was. I miss him so much every single day. I often wonder what it would be like if he was still here today. Everything happens for a reason. He was sent to me for a reason, and he was taken away....for a reason (i guess). I believe that juan was sent to me for a reason as well. Honestly, i hate to say it, but he really does remind me SO much of james in so many ways. He is also completely different in so many ways. Either way they are the only two loves i have ever had in my life. All of my other past boy friends are so irrelevant and toxic. Completely toxic. And of course the real love of my life, Charles. No one can ever compare to my dog. What a prince charming he is. Now, that is a true love! off to bed xoxo