fuck this shit in What is love really

that first time I saw you, there was that spark…that electricity - I knew I had to have you. What I keep discovering in my life is that I always get what I want, I do…I just don’t want the right things.

I loved you, I lusted you, I felt you could see a piece of my soul no one else could see…and now, now I am I am empty? disgusted - with you? with me? I don’t even know? ashamed I allowed myself to fall into your easy safe comfort that I let my guard down. Gods I am anguished and pretending it’s ok - I am being the hard person I have to be because if I am not who will be for the kids? It would be so easy to just slip into our lives again and pretend things are ok, that we are not both broken people. It is so tempting some days to just say you win and wave the white flag and go back to the way things were simply to avoid all of this.

I want to say I am heart broken but I think my heart started breaking years ago and I’ve spent so long just trying to pretend things are ok, I have spent so much time afraid of my life falling apart and the things that were already happening and I was just holding off that at this point I just am and empty exhaustion. Then there are moments, you will say something or do something and it feels so normal, like we did when we first met and I love you and you are my best friend again. Then there are other moments I take the rose colored glasses off and I just want to scream at you, I want to hit you and scream my anguish at you, I want you to see what you have done - I want you to understand, I want you to care how much you have broken my soul.

When I saw the positive pregnancy test I was so scared, so scared that I was trapped. How would I take are of three kids on my own if something happened - how would I take care of a baby when I was already in so much pain all the time. I wanted to scream…I wanted to run. I wanted to get in my car and take off. But I didn’t, I trusted in you. You said it would be ok , you would take care of us. It would be fine, you would get a second job we could afford another kids it was going to be so wonderful. I was afraid but I convinced myself it would be different. you never got that second job and from what it sounds like you weren’t even working half the time you said you were working, when I think about it I just shut down. All those hours you said you were working, I even caught you that one day and I let it go because while I knew you were lying I just couldn’t do it…I couldn’t handle emotionally ripping myself apart emotionally. we had our beautiful baby - and I have no doubt that you love her. When I was loosing my mind from the postpartum depression when I begged you to take me to the hospital and you being pissed I asked you to take me in - who gets angry when they have to take their significant other in because they had a baby and are ready to kill themselves? Then the issues with money, having to go back to work weeks after having her....I shouldn’t have been there. I shouldn’t have been working I wanted to kill myself but someone had to make money because you never got that second job and you didn’t save any money up for when I wouldn’t be working like you told me you would. I just kept pretending like it was ok, everything was good just keep pushing forward. I thought things would get better. I thought we would get sorted out. Then your mom passed - watching her die was horrific. I wanted to cover your eyes or push you away, then watching your dad come in with them working on her…it made me want to wail. True love lost is all that can be said. I know if fucked with your head, I do. When my parents go I know it will mess with my head as well, and we all have our own ways of dealing with grief - I did my best to help you in the way I knew how. At a certain point something had to give though. you can’t just quit life when you have a loss regardless of how awful it is, the world doesn’t come to a stop. We still had kids to feed, bills to pay, a house that was beyond what we could afford before you were out of work…the debt to my parents was racking up. An average of one to two thousand a month. I was working and you helped me with Katie’s kids but it just wasn’t enough, and apparently my broken inability to communicate with you meant I couldn’t fix the issue because I wouldn’t support you in the right way. I agree, I am not good at support in the ways sometimes it is needed…I know you were frustrated with the fact I can be so kind and caring with strangers but when you needed me to be there for you I failed. You’re right, I can’t. There’s something broken in me. I can help that stranger when they cry because they mean nothing, they are a passing - they cannot hurt me. They do not hold the keys to the fortress that protects me emotionally. If I reach out in the way you needed me I would be hurt. At that point unlike at the start of our relationship I had to much fear, which in turn made me hold you at an arms length. You were angry and afraid during the most scary heart breaking time of your life and I couldn’t be the emotional partner you needed, all the cleaning of your dads house and helping make arrangements ect isn’t the same I know but I did my best with what I could do for you. My family supported us for that whole 6 months, yet you said they didn’t care over and over....my family parents weren’t at the funeral because they were home with the kids. We even discussed it. My mom offered to help with anything possible. Then this obsession with no one asking why you were so devastated that your mom died....she was your mom. She was the one person who loved you no matter what you did. The one person who saw the good in you always no matter what, I thought that was obvious. How could it not means so much to you? I knew how close you were to your mom, I know how much she loved and adored you. There wasn’t a need to ask why did it devastate you…yet you were angry and everyone for not asking. Then it seemed like it became easier for you to simply avoid anything in the real world…there wasn’t enough money to keep things going. I think I started to really doubt you as a person overall when it took me saying if you don’t have a job by my birthday I will be moving home, the fear of everything being shut off - and like I said when I told you I was leaving my kids and Scarlet are the ones home with no power, with no water, ect. What kind of father or man is ok with that? How can you feel that it’s ok to not scrape yourself off the floor regardless of the situation and care for your children???? It was like reliving my former life. The arguments, the constant fear of loosing everything, being evicted, you were never the one going to the food banks. You were never the one going to human services. Before this I had NEVER been to a food bank....never. I always managed to have enough food for my kids. BUT YOU WOULDN’T WORK TO FEED OUR CHILDREN....who does that?? Not the man I fell in love with. You didn’t want to watch Scarlet more so I could work more to make more income to pay bills. You fucking ham stringed us financially. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT YOUR FAMILY FIRST THEN ME THEN YOU....that’s what I did for you, kids and their needs always come first. You failed repeatedly to meet their needs, not only that but you outright refused to meet their needs and were making it so I couldn’t do the same. The night I said I was leaving, all the things you said and threw out including the kids - you can change this and that…It took a lot to not just accept it and pretend everything would be different. The reality is you said you would change many times, you always said you prove yourself - you haven’t. You haven’t. I trusted you to be my protector, my rock. I had a baby with you believing you would be everything you promised and while you are a great daddy and a great partner in many ways shit James the world doesn’t live off of love.
Besides all of that what about all of the lies, what have you been going all the times you said you were working? Because I know for a fact there were days supposedly you were working and you weren’t. What second life have you been living all this time. Have I truly failed in our relationship so early that for so many years you have been off in a second life doing whatever.

some days i look over this whole thing and i feel hopeless, like that is it. I truly felt I had found life. I had what I had been looking for all along in life, handsome significant other, good kids, nice home, stress but we could deal, close knit family which was the most important. It’s not enough. I am not enough. The part of me that is broken I don’t know if I can come back after this. You are one of the few people I have let in as far as I have and not I know it was a mistake. I have been used and now am alone.

A younger me would be using a razor to cut myself while drinking and possibly talking to you and missing you, likely creating a situation that would not be good.

Yesterday I sat there thinking I might have sex with you again....and tonight after seeing that chick posting all that shit on your page, and you’re talking to her every day - on that phone I am paying for so you can talk about the daughter we have I an paying for I want to scream.

I just sigh i need sleep and i can’t and it’s almost 4:30am and I will have to get up with the kids in the morning. I fucking hate this shit.

I hate the situation we are in . I hate this. why have you done this to us, to our kids, to me?

I just don’t understand why someone does something like this. if you wanted something else we agreed to be honest about things yet you were likely all along fucking other woman,
maybe you’re doing drugs…maybe you just fucking hated me all this time and wanted my family money like my parents think.

it all makes me want to cry until i sleep from emptiness.

I need to get away. I need to get out for a day or two.