Catching up in Only you would show up as ashes on April Fools Day

tonight sitting smoking on the porch in the freezing dark it made me think back to when I was a kid, when mom and dad would leave town and you would be in charge of me. I would sit on the porch and watch you smoke and we would talk about everything. The things that weren’t important the things that were, where we were going in life.
there isn’t a day that goes by that you don’t cross my mind…I swear I hear you laugh but all I wish is for one of your hugs.

I just want to cry. Why, what have I done? Am I truly that broken that I have placed myself into another situation that I could be used and taken advantage? Why has he done this to me, and when I ask he says it is me - that I have done this to us. I have destroyed everything, our family our life - part of me agrees, yes I have. I have walked away from a 9 year relationship with a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, father to my child. He didn’t beat me, he didn’t neglect me for things like video games or hanging with the guys. But what has he done....since before I got pregnant, he wouldn’t get that second job to help save up for the baby, if anything it’s like he did less then when his mom passed, not working for 6 months, then only working part time. He lies but tells me I’m confused. He uses my brain injury against me to do things like steal money from me, I’ve never even admitted that out loud. He tells me I’m remembering it wrong and I don’t know what I am talking about, but I am not always forgetful, and I am not always in a fog. He has used the baby as a way to manipulate me to stay. He kept saying he would work more or he would watch Scarlet more so I could work more to support our family, who doesn’t want to make sure their power stays on?? my fucking god, and it always came back when I was leaving was don’t leave me, I can change. What about our kids?? MY kids deserve better than this shit, hell your kids deserve better than this! Where is your fucking pride?? what kind of person is ok with the power getting shut off all the time and it being no big deal and their kids being in the home? I just want to scream. But it keeps coming back to I am the one in the wrong, I am “miss understanding the situation” I don’t