I Can’t. in Chapter 9 : Oil Above Water

My heart hurts. Really fucking hurts.

I was working late in the college because sometimes life gets in the way of essay writing opportunities and my phones starts buzzing away. DADDY. It was the third phonecall this week, I had an inkling something was up. Last week I told him I was going to be in town for 24 hours this month. Literally 1 day. I told him I needed to see him. I do. I need my Daddy to just hold me, stroke my hair, do his clicky noise and tell me everything’s going to be ok. Last time I spoke with him he said he might be working when I’m down and might not be able to see me. That I was ok with. Today it was just that he had things to do and wouldn’t be about. That was like a punch to the gut. When I hung up, I had to leave the library to go and cry in my car, and I broke my fucking heart. Properly sobbing. Am I so intrinsically unloveable that even my parents don’t want to spend time with me? I was an obligation as a child, that clearly hasn’t changed.
All I wanted was an hour with my Daddy, and he won’t even give me that. I just can’t keep putting myself through this crap all the time. It hurts too much, it cuts deeper than I ever could.

Something has to give.