WHY WHY WHY WHY do I ALWAYS f**k things up ?? (sorry for the language) I'm not that awesome person I want to be. I rarely look on the bright side of life anymore. I have this hope and yet I keep doing things that jeopardizes it. I'm too scared to do anything, too self-conscious to put myself out there, too convinced that I have no skills that are of actual use to anyone.
I'm just a burden on other people. I'm that person that, while I'm kind and thoughtful and sweet, I'm incredibly stubborn and reserved and worried. Somehow I've gotten worse since college. I lost purpose, I got tired, I stopped caring. And then I find something years later that I care about and I overreact and all I do is jeopardize it. I always figured, when I was a teen, that if I were in a relationship with someone, I'd be the one who would ruin it. I'd be the one that became unbearable and abandoned. I always felt that I would accomplish less than my brother and have nothing to show for the few things I could do. I always felt like I'd be given to relying on my parents and never actually living a life of my own.
But really, it's just me. It had nothing to do with my upbringing. I'm just always negative. My life has shaped my negativity. I had time after time after time where I know I failed or I didn't even try or I did something wrong and then I blamed myself and it made me scared to do anything else.
I wasn't feeling so awful yesterday or today (a little nausea and light-headedness after the antibiotic but nothing serious) so I took Evie for a walk yesterday and today (by the way, it's 1:30 in the morning so I'm still going to act like it's Monday). Halfway through the walk, I started feeling really dizzy, my vision blurred, and my ears started ringing. I reached up to put my hood over my head and the next thing I knew, I was laying on the sidewalk in a puddle of melted snow with mud all up my left side. My left hand was bleeding from being scraped on the concrete and my head was throbbing in a very specific place where I landed. I have no idea how long it was--it's not like I looked at my watch or phone right before it happened. My guess is probably no longer than 30 seconds simply because it was around 4 PM on a Monday and someone may have seen me in my busy neighborhood.
Evie, for as dumb a dog she can be, was just sitting in the grass next to me even though I'd let go of her leash and she could have ran off. The fall also broke my newer glasses so now I'm stuck with the out-of-date glasses (severely out of date, I think they're from 2003) that make my head hurt even more because they're not the right prescription, the coating is peeling off, they're scratched and don't fit as nicely. I guess it's just as well I didn't throw those ones out. I do wear contacts but I usually don't wear contacts on days I don't go out much.
So I cut my walk short and got back home within 5 minutes, crying. Mom asked what happened but I didn't tell her and shoved my bloody hand into my pocket, covering it with an unused dog refuse bag, as I didn't have gloves. I just said I wasn't feeling well. So I let Evie off her leash and walked up to clean the blood off my hand and take some Tylenol for my pounding head. As I looked at myself in the mirror, my vision was fine, then it blurred. Then it was fine, then it blurred. I put my old glasses on and it did the same.
Beyond that, I'm also really, really, really hungry and I get more irritated every day. I've really only been able to mostly keep down liquids or non-solid foods... jell-o, soup, protein shakes/nutrition shakes, yogurt, pudding, soy/almond milk, etc. I tried to eat turkey chili yesterday and OH MY GOD having real food was AWESOME... and then I threw it all up an hour later. I'm so hungry :(
I'm not one of those people who can be having a rough time in her life and still smile. I used to be. But I'm so tired, guys. So tired. I'm tired of never feeling well. I'm tired of doctors and medicines and tests. I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of watching people around me get what they work for and me not getting anything I've worked for. I don't apply to jobs anymore because I just can't take another outright rejection. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women. I'm tired of people talking about their kids (not specifically, just... generally... for... personal reasons...) I'm tired of having what I need and still feeling completely empty. I'm tired of wanting things I can't have and hoping for things that won't probably work out.
I've never been good at pretending. I just feel like I make other peoples' lives worse. Not in some ways, mind you... I hardly think I made it worse for anyone at Benetton. But I make my parents' lives worse a lot of the time. I know for a fact I stress out Cori and Amanda and maybe even Heather and Melanie and Catie...
No one wants to be with me. Once they find out who I am, they always run away. Or they will run away. And all I do is just let it happen; I expect it to happen and it does. I funnel all my energy into focusing on one thing, and then that one thing disappears because I did too little or did too much. I drive people away because I worry too much or I stress them out or I talk too much about my own problems... I've basically become like Clarissa, but worse, because I'm more generally aware than she ever was.
I'm just a little kid when it comes down to it. I whine, I complain, I groan, I hate the world... but instead of getting mad when I don't get what I want, now I start to give up. I lose a little bit each time. It's like I slowly become this empty vessel of a person with no drive and no motivation, when that wasn't who I was even 3 years ago. They say it's the little things that keep you going... but what happens when the little things stop happening at all ?
I've been crying throughout this whole entry because I'm just so upset with myself. How can I love myself when all I do are stupid, jealous, petty, STUPID THINGS ?? How can I love myself when I've been stuck around 160 pounds for the last 6 months ? How can I love myself when I voluntarily quit a job I hated but gave me a good paycheck without having something else yet ? How can I love myself when I, a college grad and now no longer eligible for the Pathways Internship programs for Recent Grads, have applied to 150 jobs and have yet to even get an interview ? How can I love myself when I make others feel so bad to even be around me ? How can I love myself when I don't think anyone else can love me because I'm not smart enough, tall enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, accomplished enough...
Hell, I remember when Scott (a former crush, as nothing ever happened) started dating Eleni years ago. She was like me in a lot of ways--same interests, similar backgrounds, even a little bit of resemblance. But she was taller, skinnier, more accomplished than I was (and still am). She did impressive things I'm sure Scott loved telling his friends about. I met her once and she's so outgoing and warm and friendly. Me ? I'm nobody who has done nothing. Who the hell wants that ? What's my biggest accomplishment ? Oh, sure, I got a BA from a mid-tier public school and my dad financed something like 65 or 70% of the tuition for me. Wow. I've worked at Target, then at Jacadi (a French-brand 0-12y kids' clothing store), Lua Cheia (a store owned by an Israeli-Brazilian husband and wife who imported leather women's accessories from Brazil), 7 For All Mankind (a store that convinces you a pair of jeans is worth over $170), and United Colors of Benetton (a classic Italian men's, women's, and kid's clothing store that has ho-hum work wear and is a terrible place to hold a job). I volunteered briefly for Women for Women International--I typed stuff. I worked part-time for 5 weeks at a plant nursery one autumn in like 2006 or 2007 or something. I'm 26. I may have studied in Paris for a month, but I got into the program because one of the girls was hit by a car and hospitalized, and my grandpa financed most of the trip for me. Paris was the only time I lived away from my parents in my whole life, and it was only 4 weeks.
Yeah. I'm a super catch, guys. Real classy and memorable and talented. Real go-getter. I mean, girls see me and want to be me. They want to have a BMI of 28.3 which is on the high end of overweight. They want to wear pretty lingerie, know it's pretty, and feel awful in it--like they don't deserve to have a red lace embellished bra or nice panties because--duh !!!--they are 5'3" and weigh 160 pounds. They want to be consistently unsure of the future and have everyone around them tell them they can't do it because it's not smart. Forget what they want ! They can't. Other people can do it, but they can't. They want to not really desire kids their whole life and then, when they may change their mind (which doesn't happen for all women, but it can happen), that's when they're told a hysterectomy may be the only option--and it's not even guaranteed--for sparing the constant pain of endometriosis and, guess what ? YOU WON'T HAVE KIDS. Your uterus won't just be broken, it'll be ground up, turned to dust, and all chances of you being able to partake in something only women can do, to actually create something inside of you that will make you hate and love life constantly at all times, to start a family and raise them and nurture them and mold them into wonderful human beings to offset all the dumb ones we currently have, those chances are as non-existent as your very womanhood that YOU chose to take out because the pain was too much to handle. What, and you thought giving birth wouldn't hurt ? No, no, but that only lasts temporarily, this pain is every day. So you face the choice and realize you may not even be 30 and you're watching little irresponsible brats get pregnant on accident at 16 and here you are wanting the ability to get pregnant and you put your hand on your fat abdomen that's killing you from the inside and hate yourself because you're broken and no one wants you and no one wants to have kids with you because if you're like this when you don't have kids then why the hell do you think you'd make an even halfway-decent mother... how dare you judge those 16-year-olds, maybe it's just God's will that those little shits will have kids and those kids will be perfect and cure cancer and you'll be 60 and barren and alone and angry and your parents will be dead and your brother will have seen his family grow and everyone around you will have lived fulfilled lives and YOU RUINED IT. You ruined it because people look at you and think you eat too much or you don't exercise, or you're not tan enough or your hair isn't your natural color and oh God your boobs aren't perfect and they sag like you're 20 years older than you actually are and you wear fancy bras from France that were meant for women taller and skinnier than you and you're not exotic and you're not interesting, you're just vanilla--tried and true but boring and safe, you're the safe option, but you're not safe, you're poison to everyone around you. You infect them with your negativity and you drive them away because no sane person would ever want to be with you, no one would ever actually love you freely, you can be sick and unemployed but also awesome and you're not even that--you're sick and unemployed and a downer and a loner and everyone is sick of your crying, everyone is sick of your sadness, everyone is sick of your feeble attempts to make something of your life because there's nothing to be made of your life. There's nothing worthwhile about you--everyone finds someone else, everyone abandons you for something else, and you have to just accept that. You probably can't even have someone's kid so what other reason would someone want to be with you ? You were raped and had an abortion from said rape when you were 14 and now here you are, 12 years later and SURPRISE ! That rape baby was your only chance at a family !! Isn't life FUNNY that way ? Isn't life funny when you are impregnated by a (legally) PEDOPHILE but you want to do trivial things like, who knows, finish HIGH SCHOOL and go to COLLEGE before you're 25 and you don't want a rape baby for multiple reasons but especially because you never told your parents you'd ever been raped and thank God you didn't have any other unwanted side effects from it but you decided to work your ass off for a judicial bypass to have an abortion sans parental consent and even agreed to rape counseling and HOO BOY 12 years later THAT WAS YOUR ONLY CHANCE ! Why didn't you take the rape baby ? Not because you even CARED THEN or NOW about that baby, but now it seems like that was your chance and you blew it. LUCKY YOU you get raped at 14 ! LUCKY YOU you have an abortion. LUCKY YOU you didn't get to plan like normal women and be curious like normal women and experience life like normal women. Nope, it's your LUCK that you experienced a little over a month of pregnancy and now the thing that makes you a woman and makes you even SLIGHTLY desirable, evolutionally, is BROKEN and WORTHLESS and you should probably scrape it out like the dregs of jelly in a jar and walk around empty because that's all your pathetic life is is EMPTY. You have NOTHING to offer anyone else, you can't offer money, you can't offer a home, you almost certainly won't be able to offer a family, so what else is there ? TAKE HER CAR, SHE STILL OWES ALMOST $10,000 ON IT. TAKE HER BOOKS. TAKE HER BED. TAKE HER CLOTHES. TAKE HER LAPTOP. There ! That's what you have to offer ! Material possessions that can be purchased anywhere ! You don't have an interesting past, you don't have a good life story. You don't wear clothing that makes you stand out or observe less-well-known religious scruples or eating habits. You are BROKEN and USELESS and WORTHLESS. Your virginity was taken by brute and painful force 12 years ago so you couldn't even offer THAT to anyone ! Not that they'd want it unless they were desperate anyway, right ? No, you're DIRTY and USED and BROKEN and TAINTED and GARBAGE. Every little thing you want is selfish and stupid and undeserved and you have no right to ask anyone for anything ever in your life. That's probably why you can't find a job--because now, the only jobs available are through people you know and you refuse to ask ! Because then you don't get it on your own merit, and now you're realizing, you don't have any of your own merit. And now you're sick and fainting and vomiting and you realize you couldn't even work if you wanted to right now, which makes you even LESS of a human being ! If you even STILL ARE. No, at this point, you're just a worm. No one can say what they like about you because either they don't really know you or their idea of you is based on whether or not you bought them M&M's for their birthday.
So live your life in the dirt and mud and grime, little worm. That's the only place you actually deserve to be.
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