fuck valentine’s day. in Life

where do i start? my heart is in pieces. i don’t know what day it is. i don’t know if i’m coming or going. all i do is cry. and cry. and cry some more. every now and then i throw up from crying too much.

february 14 is the day of the devil. and you will never convince me otherwise. i’ve never had a good valentine’s day. and the last two have been the absolute worst. 2017 - i miscarry. 2018 - the start of the heart break.

i’ve never really talked about the baby. i knew deep down something wasn’t right about my “period” … blood clots and an er trip later … it was confirmed i was indeed pregnant, and i did lose it. for those keeping score, that’s number 3. this one really got to me. i dunno if it was because i was married, or because i’m older, or what … but this one nearly ended me. i really wanted that baby. i really wanted to be a mom. today, i sit and wonder what my 4 month old baby would be like. would it have been landon? would it have been maci? would it look like me? would it have my hair? it’s daddy’s skin tone? would i be a good mom? how much weight would i have gained? would i have had one of those cute pregnant bellies? or one of those gargantuan ones? i wouldn’t have cared. i’d have had my little love. would i be getting divorced? would our marriage have been saved? i know i’ll never have answers to any of those questions. and that fucking hurts. losing the baby was the absolute breaking point of my marriage. i knew it would be, when i didn’t even tell him i was in the hospital or what was going on. when i finally told him, he was furious. he blamed me. it was all my fault, like everything else in our marriage, (it was also my fault that he cheated on me … but that’s another story for another time).

fast forward to this valentine’s day. me and new guy. we haven’t physically met. we met on facebook 3 months ago. we also haven’t facetimed (this is my fault … i 100% admit that). i realize that that has caused him to have questions … but constantly hammering me about it, making me feel terrible about it … is doing nothing but shutting me down. i absolutely hate facetime. i always have. i’m not a fan of pictures. (i know, i get his issues … i have deep rooted problems). the thing is though, my best friend has seen me live. she has seen me on webcam. and he knows that, but because they don’t get along, he doesn’t trust her word. this has caused so so so so so many problems. especially the last week. and it is killing me. it is breaking my heart. we fought so bad the other night while i was at work that i just threw my phone down, hard … and it busted. the entire front screen is shattered the back is cracked the back camera is busted, my phone is bent … it’s just wrecked. and that’s my fault. i was just so frustrated. he wouldn’t stop talking. i kept begging him to stop. and he wouldn’t stop. and things have just gone down hill from there. the things he says to me are so mean and so full of, idk hate? all i do is cry. it’s like he doesn’t even care that the words he is saying to me are literally ripping my soul apart. i cry so much i throw up. i have been in a constant state of anxiety/panic for nearly 4 days. and he doesn’t care at all. i know things are done.

..... i started writing this a few days ago … the hurt anger and anxiety overwhelmed me and i quit.

things aren’t better. i need to not finish this

Last updated March 10, 2018