Deleted in General Chatterboxing

I deleted my open diary. Or my main one. The other couple i started i havent touched in years and dont really care much about them. My main one, that ive kept since 99, that one i deleted. I read the first few pages and wanted to just hit the erase button. Gosh i was so insane as a teenager lol. But whatever. I downloaded it twice to be sure and hit the goodbye button forever. I had a pause of sadness, it wont be easy to search a text file with close to 5 thousand diary entries over the course of my teenaged years, young adulthood and parenthood. But there are some that matter more to me then others. Like my birth stories. I wanted to be sure those all stayed with me. There are huge gaps from the hacking, and from when i lived without internet. But mostly, its my life intact. I kept making years private. I kept thinking, i dont really wany people to read back over my life as it was and judge me now. Nows life is NOW. Before, dosent matter all that much. But today is happening now. So in the end, you may not have seen much. I slowed my writing, stopped for large periods of time. Just didnt have it in me to put out the public effort. Now i feel no pressure to actually try. I write when i feel like it, write when i feel funny, or in a mood. Write when im mad, ignore it when i dont. I write many private entries, things running through my head. Things going on that are not public, inner workings of my marriage and parenthood. I write publicly, for comments, for friends who still follow, for new ones i may find. I just dont have it in me to try to be any more then i am. And i am very different. How funny to go from a girl who would write 4-5 entries a day, to someone who is fine with once a week, or less often. Who writes to say, ugh nothing to see here life goes on as normal. Its funny. Blame facebook of course. its easy to jot those random thoughts into a quick status update. When i feel like it. I realize ill go days without updating that too. Im feeling burned out on the same old same old. We have alot of work to do on our house, and the thoughts run through my mind frequently. But typing them out is an effort i dont have energy for. Im thinking about closing my shop. My busy shop that keeps me in spending money. The one i worked for years, striving to get it off the ground. Oh yes, the shop that saw 6 orders in the last two weeks. That shop. Im not feeling this insane desire to create EVERYTHING i can think of. Ill hate to loose the income. im used to having some of my own. Granted its not thousands of dollars every month. Its a couple hundred. But im used to it. Vs having to get my allowance from the hubby ( seperate bank accounts) and then being stuck in that limit. On the plus side he put me on the credit card lol, so emergency if i need it, if he hasnt spent on it :P) I havent been feeling like working. Im dragging out orders. So far today i wove in the ends on two caterpillar sets. I didnt finish faces or put anetnna on. I havent packed up the finished order. Or finished the stitch hat for my friend. i keep apologizing to her as i put it off. Its a complicated design, one im confident in. It used to be that i would spend all day working out new designs for people. Now i just put it off. What is that? Effect of my circumstances? Or just burned out on the type of work. im giving it a couple more weeks to mull it over. Ive pulled some listings off etsy and closed parts of my shop down. I went from reaching 400 people per post on facebook, to 100 and only posting every couple of days. It will go down more and more as i dont post often. Its ok. I still feel jealous as people start ordering from other shops, but no drive to better myself and get it done more. Get things going... So maybe it is time to close and find a new way to make money at home. Something that isnt as testy as yarn that absorbs smells. ( we burn coal) I just dont know. This will make sense to me soon. I have faith.