Exhaustion in 2018

If I had to describe myself in one word lately it is complete and utter exhaustion. I have been doing literally everything and getting no help. I am just too damn tired, and I just can’t seem to get any rest. Any time I get the chance something starts buzzing around in my head. And I just can’t stop thinking. There is too much stuff that I just get no help in dealing with, and then the things that I want for myself…I just don’t see how to make happen. Hell, the more time goes by the more I feel alone. It just keeps getting worse, and I do not have any clue how to change it. And I have no idea how to even grasp the concept? That is terrible phrasing. I mean I have felt alone, but this is progressive. I don’t have a family. These people around me are not family. Yeah I have a few friends, but I hardly see them. Yeah…there’s J but…maybe I am overthinking or that but more and more it seems like I have become nothing more than a burden or an afterthought. It sucks. I don’t want to be an afterthought or a burden or some hindrance. I want to do nothing but make things better for her, but if I am not doing that and she is done with it…Where does that leave me? Maybe I am overthinking it. Maybe not. I feel like I should just drop off of the grid for awhile and see what happens? Decompress? It’s the loneliness that is getting to me I think. I feel so fucking isolated. I don’t connect with people here. I don’t feel a part of this so called family. I am tired of the vapid conversations and the superficial relations. My patience is shot with that dumb shit. I crave more. Something…deeper? And yet, I don’t see it anywhere lately. Maybe I shouldn’t even post this…It’s pathetic. I am better than this, and yet…here I am. How do you fight loneliness, when you don’t really have any way to?
Shit how do I even…idk. I should stop talking....This is stupid. It will get better. It has to. Someone will come along, or something. I miss the days of knowing I was…at least a bit important to someone. I hate how now I question everything. I don’t trust people. I have no faith in people, and yet I still cling to the notion that if I only looked out for myself…where would that put us if that was what every single person did. I am a fool. I know. But…surely something has to go my way soon. Damn I hope it does. I am too damn tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally, all of it…just drained. And I wish I had someone I could go to that just…I knew I could trust and would help me unwind and relax and get rest....I don’t have that. Maybe if I drink enough tonight I will write a dear you thing…or maybe tomorrow, idk…I am just sooo worn out and dont really have anyone to idk…tell or show me or something that it isn’t all on me. That I can rest and not have to deal with 10,000,000,000,000 things by myself. That I had that support and knew and trusted it. Fuck it sucks feeling this alone. Maybe I should get off the grid just to try and get used to being this alone…maybe that would help. Adapt right? Dive in to the cold waters of loneliness head first instead of this easing in painfully shit. Fuck me.

Last updated February 07, 2018