Today was a good day. I woke up feeling happy which is usually pretty hit or miss. My motivation started out pretty high because I wanted to go work out, but then I smoked and that motivation went away a little. I still wanted to work out, but I kept procrastinating when I was going to go. Procrastination has always been a big issue for me. This is something I definitely need to work on. This frustrates me because I know how short life is. I’m not religious, I don’t think there is anything after death and yet I still procrastinate. Depression is funny like that. You hear how it causes these mental blocks or just completely drains your energy/motivation but still pretend like that is not what the cause is. I am depressed. Extremely depressed, but I don’t want to admit it to myself. I’ve dealt with depression my entire life, probably for so long that it is just normal to me. I had a rough childhood and my depression started early. I’ve managed it myself for so long that it has become a part of me. I am realizing that this is not healthy and I need to address these issues. To me my depression is only out of control when I have suicidal thoughts. I know that is a scary thing to say, but I think about it. Luckily for me I don’t think I could ever actually do it, but it still worries me when I start dwelling on it too much.
Anyways, back to today. I did well on my decisions. I didn’t order any food, I did end up going to the gym (which felt fantastic), and I started writing my journal. Right now I don’t have many things holding me back from doing these things. I don’t have a job, many bills, or many responsibilities. My depression is what is holding me back. I am holding myself back. But I am making the changes I need to and feel confident that as long as I stay consistent, I will be able to improve my decisions and in turn achieve my goals and improve my life. I am worried about failing. I am worried about “overdoing” it. That’s what this journal is for, positive reinforcement. Recording these thoughts I have, these actions I take, and the decisions I make will help me today, tomorrow, and months from now when I am beginning to slip. I guarantee tomorrow I will have thoughts of doubt. I will make mistakes and I will be upset with myself. If not tomorrow then it may happen the next day. I am human. I am not perfect and I will learn and grow from these mistakes. I will accept them and realize that they do not mean I have failed, but that my decisions have a purpose. Whether it was a positive or negative decision I will be able to learn from it. Today I am happy with most of my decisions. I am looking forward to tomorrow and discovering more about myself.
Goodnight.
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