Helping Others Helps Me & JVM 31 in General Mental Anesthesia

Thank you for all the encouraging words my wonderful PB friends old and new.

I’m a published author and I can’t find the words to even remotely describe the hell that I am in. I have such a high tolerance for pain, for me to just say “I can’t take it” is otherworldly and I say that about 100x a day.

Thank you for sharing and donating to my Go Fund Me Page in My attempt to Keep Living

Multiple herniated discs all in spasm because of a kidney stone that doesn’t want to pass and I have to tell you… as much as I know that I’ll be screaming bloody murder when it does finally do so, the pain in the kidney is what’s unbearable. It’s unfathomable to me actually that such a small thing causes such a severe and broad amount of pain; a no doubter 10 out of 10 on the scale.

What’s worse is the ulcerative colitis at an all time high. The cramping and convulsions, the bleeding… Some days I’m losing over half a cup of blood. I go hours during the day without opening my eyes because I don’t even have the strength to do so, yet I can’t rest because sitting, standing, lying down… everything hurts; everything is uncomfortable. I’m in a cinstant state of anxiety!

Dry heaving non-stop because I have nothing in my system to bring up. Just one of these things is bad enough, but they’re all affecting one another. I maybe crying and sometimes screaming in pain during colitis attacks and also when the back hurts as it is, but that is all (if you can believe it) pale in comparison to the pain in the kidney… it really is that fucking bad!!! And none of my shitty pain meds work.

It’s been a long time since I really, really wanted to kill myself. That’s not a warning, just a desire. I’m too weak to pull it off anyhow. I’ve only experienced peace one time in my life and it was when I died in 2014. Death is not something to fear, I’ve never feared it. Death, is not painful. Dying… on the other hand....

And that’s the perfect segue to Javidmo 31.

Whatever I want.

Why am I still alive?

My answer is that: some people just exist to test the boundaries of suffering.

I honestly believe that.

But years before I died, from childhood through adulthood, I survived 15 years of violent physical and verbal child abuse. I ran away from home, I was homeless for 4.5 years of my life. I’ve never smoked or done drugs, never begged. When I had a place to live I let friends in distress stay with me even at the risk of getting caught with apartment management that could terminate my lease. I volunteered in many areas, I counseled many people who were suicidal because of my own struggles with it and life long depression and more.

I’ve always put others in front of myself.

And (as I work in the entertainment industry) I came up with 2 television series. One of them is to help the homeless in a way that’s never before been attempted. I’ll post a link to share more information, but I can’t explain “how” I can do what I say I can do without you signing a non-disclosure agreement, but know that I CAN do it!

I never got it off the ground because networks need to see a pilot episode and that costs money which I was unable to raise.

I died twice on March 18th, 2014.

When you survive death, you can’t help but wonder why? If death is permanent, why am I still here? There must be a reason.

To come full circle. Why am I still alive? Why must I suffer every day? Why hasn’t the colitis killed me yet? How much blood and weight can I lose and not be admitted to the hospital and expect to survive? How much pain can I endure when I’m sitting here telling you right to your face, crying my eyes out “I can’t fucking stand it anymore!!!!!”

WHY FUCKING WHY????!!!!!!!

The only answer I have is that I have these 2 tv series concepts. Both of them will make the world a better place. I’ll save thousands of lives. I’ll educate people and help the planet. I don’t know how I’ll ever get the funding to get them going; I guess I’m a shitty salesman, but I’m a damn good filmmaker and director. This is something I’m extremely passionate about, my mission in life because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I can make a difference, I can help; it is why I am still alive. It is why I’m enduring the worst agony I’ve ever felt (and that’s saying something). G-D won’t let me die, because this is why I’m alive.

I created this little teaser after I died in an effort to get things moving. Hopefully I won’t have to wait much longer.

For more information:

Homeless Series Info