Death is no big deal, but Dying sucks! in General Mental Anesthesia
- Jan. 27, 2018, 9:58 p.m.
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- Public
Omg… The combination of a kidney stone that has yet to pass with multiple herniated discs all spasming at the same time along with an extremely, EXTREMELY severe flare up of ulcerative colitis… I can’t take this anymore.... I just can’t! 🤢😭
If I had my blood drawn today, nothing but dust would come out.
I hope that none of you ever experience anything like this, not even a fraction of it!
Pray for ignorance!
I’ve lost over 22lbs in 12 days!
I appreciate every kind sentiment that I receive, but I do take issue when people only comment about prayer. I have no qualms with religion, I’m a spiritual person myself, but G-D isn’t going to heal me. The mere thought that he will ignores the fact that if that’s true, then he caused all this harm and illness in the first place. None of it makes sense if you’re a rational person. Life just sucks, deal with it.
A good caring Dr. (if there are any left) vs. a bad Dr… that might help heal you. Getting ‘care’ from a hospital visit or stay rather than being drugged up and discharged might help heal you. Being rushed to the emergency room and not having to wait several hours while you’re moaning in pain, dry heaving and bleeding out in the bathroom with tears streaming down your face while not getting a single dose of medication, might help heal you, but just saying “Hey G-D, would you please heal me from all or even some of this pain?” That’s what you call wasted breath… and I’m already short on that!
A friend of mine posted this to my fb today:
”I am so sorry you are going through this!!! I pray God heals you and restores you to good health. Jaye, give it to God!!! 💞”
That’s very sweet.
I responded:
”If I pray to G-D, it’s for him to just take me already. I’m a fighter and I’ve fought my whole life. All I want is peace. I know you’ve been through (and are still going through the ringer yourself) but I’m at the end of my rope.
The pure violence involved with my sickness(es) is truly unbearable, I’m an empty shell that’s cracking apart and I can feel every bit of the disintegration of my body.
I’m not trying to be grim, but this 25.5 year fight over the past 2 and a half years has accrued and army that I don’t know I can defeat. G-D may give me the strength to survive the never-ending onslaught, but he’s not going to share my story with anyone, he’s not going to suddenly change how the healthcare system works allowing me to be treated instead of disposed of. I’m spiritual, but it’s going to take a whole lot more than that.
If G-D is going to help me, it has to be through the people he created in his image.”
I tried to use her verbiage so not to be rude, I’m grateful that she cares, but my point is that; the friend who started the gofundme campaign on my behalf who lost her mom to ulcerative colitis did so in the hopes that people would share it. Spread the story to help. The campaign is for $5k, but that’s not even close to enough. I need a colonoscopy to determine if I have colon cancer, but that alone is $3081.00.
She responds to me:
”Jaye, You never know who he is going to put in your life. Even in my illness, I have seen miracles. Some small, some big. Trust me, I am the last one to look anywhere for help, but this time, I had no choice. Sometimes, God does things to get our attention and he may continue, until we final listen. If anything, just talk to him…💞I will continue to keep you in my prayers. I believe you still have a lot to offer this world, and you need to fight. Your story is being shared through you and we are listening. Love you Jaye, please fight!!!”
The story is being shared through me? Ok, yes, I’m posting about it because I need to purge, I’m lonely, away from all my friends, most of my family and surrounded by the countries shittiest Dr’s that don’t give a crap about their patients and I’m stuck going to hospitals that would just as much spit on you as to treat you. A year ago I was hospitalized for the 3rd time in as many months for two weeks because of colitis. I had c-diff as well and was released in the exact same condition I was in when I was admitted. Now, I’m twice as sick as I was then, and they just turn me away after drugging me up.
I feel bad, physically and emotionally. In fact, and I don’t give a fuck, take my man card away, but I was on the phone with my brother last night. I was telling him what happened to me the day before; Thursday (previous entry) and as I was; I started crying. I was just so emotionally hurt at how bad I felt that day… all the constant moaning, writhing and squirming in agony, no one helping me, making me wait for hours and hours to be seen, only to wait another hour to be treated and then discharged with nothing but bad news.
I’m so beside myself with grief, I think for the 1st time in my life (and I’ve died twice, been homeless for 4.5 years of my life (non-consecutively), survived years and years of violent child abuse, many very serious, life altering injuries, suicide attempts and major depression since my preteen years and now for the first time in my life I actually felt bad for myself.
Does that give you any inclination as to how much I’m suffering??? Shared through me? No. My story (the gfm page) needs to be shared through “you”. how else does it reach anywhere other than my close circle? G-d isn’t going to post it on Twitter. Jesus isn’t going to post it on his blog, I mean c’mon.... why bother leaving a comment if you have no interest in actually helping?
And it’s not just her, many people say this and none of them, not one has shared the gofundme page on their social media accounts. A lot of these people are business contacts of mine and we go to networking events together, in fact some of these people “run” said networking events. It’s the perfect place to bring up helping one of our own, but no one has and so I suffer, but they have no problem saying ”Keep fighting, we’re praying for you”. Yeah right, thanks.
I don’t even like that it bothers me, but it does. I feel kinda shallow that it bothers me, but the page has been up for so long now and my health just continues to plummet. As my health declines I have to use some of that money to pay for a Dr. visit and /or meds to just keep barely surviving. I’m not making any progress, and now I’m much too sick to even travel!
I can’t ask for money, it’s just not me, but I post the link as often as I can, I try not to be annoying about it and I hate myself every time that I do it.
I think people use the word “prayer” to make themselves feel good. I’m a good Christian etc… a good person, but the reality is that you’ve done absolutely nothing to help the person you’re ‘pretend helping’. How do you think that person feels???
I know this turned into a bitch session and I apologize for that. I just don’t know what to do any more.
I know that many of you have (and more than once) but please share. If I could hug you, I would. Thank you very much!
Leanne 🌈 ⋅ January 27, 2018
You need to vent it all out I totally understand dude. I have shared your link everywhere I go like twitter, FB, Tumblr etc.... I wish I could give you more money if I had the power to do more to help you I would. Reading this entry has me feeling useless in helping you more. The most I can do is send out healing energy to you. I know the body is what it is like science duh....It sucks. I am holding back tears. I understand you fully wanting death to finally come and take you. Gentle hugs as always sending ya some.
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes Leanne 🌈 ⋅ January 31, 2018
I wish I could hold back tears, not very manly, but then there's nothing manly about colitis or a kidney stone.
I'm very humbled by your kindness and generosity and most appreciative. I wish more than anything that money was unimportant in this matter. I hate asking, i hate posting about it; I feel like such a loser. Every day just gets worse. All I want is to work and get back to 'normal' which admittedly my life never was, nor do I ever want it to be, but you know what I mean. All that shit that most people take for granted.
Crying and moaning and whimpering all day and all night, begging for the sweet release of death... that's not my idea of a good time and I hate that it is my new normal. :(
Leanne 🌈 Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ January 31, 2018
That I understand about just closing your eyes forever. The pain has a way of getting you there eventually.
Sister ⋅ January 28, 2018
Venting helps.
Vent away.
I've shared your link.
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes Sister ⋅ January 30, 2018
Thank you so much, any help I can get goes a long way. And yes, venting does help, sometimes you just get to a point when you have to let it all out and what better place than here. Thank you for understanding.
Gilraent ⋅ January 29, 2018
Don't apologize for speaking about what is going on with you. You have to get it out of your brain, even if it's just for a moment as you are writing.
I do wish I were closer to you, or you closer to me. There are a few really good hospitals here in MO that I would trust. And of course, me being me, I wouldn't let them discharge you. I've been an advocate for many people over the years. And I turn into a monster when needed.
Thanks for putting the link again. I'm going to share and tweet, and put it in my daily entry (I don't know why I haven't done that)
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes Gilraent ⋅ January 30, 2018
I know, I just feel bad, like a complainer. I know it's my pb and everything, I just want to write fun, enjoyable stuff and maybe some poetry, but I'm totally consumed by pain, I can think of nothing else, I just hurt so badly and so severely.
Boy do I ever need an advocate like you in my life. I'm treated like such a piece of garbage.
Thank you so much for sharing and all that you've done. :)
Gilraent Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ January 31, 2018
Oh I totally know what you are talking about. I've literally been told to stop posting about depression and chronic pain on facebook . It is all that you are. That pain, that depression. How can you not post/write about it?
After I was told not to be so depressing It made me feel like a fool, so I just posted silly memes and kept everything upbeat. Then I had a really bad day and said it's really sad that I can't post what I want because certain people don't like it, if they don't like it they can just scroll blah blah. Well it pissed my nephew off because he knew his mom was one that was "bullying" me and told me to post whatever the hell I want and fuck you to whoever doesn't like it. So I listened.
lol now people complain about my political posts instead, but I don't care ;)
Marg ⋅ January 30, 2018
Don’t apologise! There are many who would be completely broken by what you’ve gone (and are still going) through. I just don’t know how much more of this you can take - I think it says a whole lot that you are only NOW feeling bad for yourself. And I’m guessing there’s not a silly yellow face on that hospital chart which has the right expression for the way you were feeling that day!!
I so wish you were in the UK - I might be wrong but I honestly don’t think you’d be in this position if you were. And at least healthcare wouldn’t cost you anything.
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes Marg ⋅ January 30, 2018
I feel broken, no... shattered.
You said it: " I just don’t know how much more of this you can take". It's all I can think about, I just want it all to end!
The yellow smiley would be one with x's for eyes and a knife slashing its throat.
I wish I were there too, anywhere where Dr's care about the lives of other human beings would be nice. I'm even contemplating taking $275 out of the gofundme acct to see another gastroenterologist because that's the only way I'm going to get admitted to the hospital. Of course I don't want to do that because I desperately need whatever I have to see Bonnie, I just hope I'm not too far gone.
Everything just sucks. :,(
Marg Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ January 31, 2018
Does Bonnie have to see you in person? I was unable to see my Homeothapist last summer and he did a telephone consultation instead and prescribed more stuff on the strength of that. Could she do that do you think?
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes Marg ⋅ January 31, 2018
The reason why she can't do that is because she is also a Dr. and by law (at least here in the states) she must physically see me within a a 3 year period in order to treat me or she could lose her license.
I haven't had to see her in many years, so that's why. She'll also have to see me a 2nd time because she'll need to do labs on me to see how my body is responding to treatment. Visits after that can be via phone.
Marg Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ January 31, 2018
Oh that’s so frustrating!