Life can be complicated in The start of something?

I don’t expect you to read this as I’m so bad and reading your entries. I do feel the need to purge my thoughts though so here I go.

Hubby has been slowly slipping back to the way he was before. He’s nowhere near as bad as he was before, but I can see the tendency is there. He’s not hit me. So there’s that, but he does get aggressive in his speech and sometimes I am afraid of what he might do.
After all of it he always apologises but you know, words mean little.

He hasn’t been violent or aggressive to the kids. I call them kids but they’er 22 and 23 now. However, it has come to my attention that they often can hear us arguing when I thought they couldn’t. So it’s affecting them. They hear the names he calls me and the way he speaks to me. I know it’s not right. I didn’t grow up in a household like that and it just doesn’t make sense to me.

So in December hubby and I went to one counselling session. This all came about because he wanted to have an intervention with son and daughter. In my opinion, the intervention was more about how he can’t handle his anxieties that they’re not doing more to forward their future and I think he’s just worried they’re going to live with us forever. I think hubby contributes to them being stuck somewhere between being a teen and an adult. Daughter shows herself to be stronger but I know son, who has deep problems with anxiety when it comes to hubby, suffers more and it just paralyses him. I’ve said these things to hubby but of course he disagrees.
So when he suggested the intervention I said only if my mum is there as I thought she would be a rational influence for him. My mum asked for my sister and her husband to be there too. When hubby found this out he felt very much cornered… and he was. While sister and brother in law were not confrontational, in fact they were quite loving, they did put forward their opinion that hubby hasn’t dealt with his anger issues and perhaps needs to talk to someone as he’s going to lose his family. I said I love him and don’t want to leave him however I also need to protect myself and if he’s going to be so combative with me, I can’t stay with him. But I also said I want to support him and help him to be a better person.

So hubby and i went to the counselling session. Hubby was dragging his heels the whole time because he thinks son should be the one going to counselling. The counsellor took about 20 minutes to realise that hubby is the one with multiple issues and asked to see him privately. The office broke up over Xmas so we haven’t booked any more appts but that’s the next step. We have to make an appointment for him to talk to her on his own. I haven’t done that yet and the longer time goes. the harder it will be for me to convince hubby that he has to do this for his own good, and for the good of his family.

Anyhow, hubby and I went to Western Australia for my birthday (50th oh my god....) and while we were away, son had arranged to go to Brisbane for a week to meet up with some friends. He left before we did and was going to be back a couple of days before we came back from WA. While we were away, we found out that my sister and brother in law came to the house and took son away. They said they were going to help him get his driving hours (for his license) but started talking to him as if he’d moved their permanently. They were making plans for a new mattress, new bedroom furniture etc…
I was shocked and hurt. Obviously, if that’s what son wanted I would support him but how dare they do that behind our backs and while I was away!!

Son initially was uncomfortable and didn’t want to stay there but he was happy he was getting his driving hours up. Sister and brother in law eventually realised he didn’t want to stay permanently so brought him back home after about 3 weeks. In that time though, son realised what living in a “normal” family was like. When he came home we had a long talk and he spoke about not having to be careful about what he said (for fear of being ridiculed or questioned over his choices) he liked that they ate dinner together every night and spent most evenings in the same room, even if they were all doing something different.
I really miss that too and wish we did more of that but hubby just wants me to himself and keeps saying “they’re not children anymore, they’re adults” but they’re still my babies and will always be my babies. I will always be their mother.

So now I’m going to try to make things different. Because I get up so early, dinner times are awkward to make happen. Besides that, hubby is on shift work most of the time so we can’t always have dinner together but I’m going to try to make it happen and least once or twice a week. Iknow that sounds lame but I’m going for Tuesdays and Fridays (Because I don’t have to get up so early the next day on those days) Even if it’s just going to be son, daughter and me, I’m going to make sure we have dinner together on those days.
It would break my heart if son wanted to go back to sister and brother in laws house to live but if it’s the best thing for him I would also support it. But I’d rather fix this family and make this an actual family, not four people living under one roof.

In other news, I still haven’t gone to the Sports Dr for my injuries. I did buy new shoes today (I had done over 10 000kms in my last pair so that probably was contributing to my injuries) so I’m hoping that may make a little difference but my hips are the main problem. I know I need to go but I just don’t want the dr to tell me I have to take a break from running. It’s barely a shuffle I do these days anyhow, not running.

Hubby spoilt me for my 50th. We went to Perth and he flew us there and back in first class. That was wonderful!! I never want to fly any other way!! He works for an airline so he gets very very cheap flights. He also bought me a fitbit Ionic for my birthday and I just love it!!! On the actual day we did a wine tour and that was amazing. I had so much fun and drank so much wine! Lots of chocolate too as we went to some chocolate place as well on one of the stops.

Work is going ok. I’m starting to enjoy it a little more again so that’s good. I’m in a good team and have good positive people around me and that always helps.

So that’s about it I think. I’m still not sure what’s going to happen with hubby’s counselling. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with me. I just know something has to change and I’m so guilt ridden at having ruined my kids lives. I wish I could go back and change everything.