4weeks (fears) in New Beginnings

So, it has finally sunk in. I am pregnant. A little over 4 weeks along. Yesterday, I was not coping. I broke down about three separate times. Ugly tears, fears, denial, going over my options.

I thought I was done with babies. Doctor told me before that my chance of conceiving again are almost NIL from the amount of damage my second birth left behind. Ffs, they scraped that placenta out of me and left me with crazy scar tissue! Ugh, it’s not something I like to think about, especially when I realize how ignorant I was in regards to it. I was so young and naive. It was totally unprofessional. I might as well have gotten it done in a back alley the way they put me in a room and had it quickly taken care of because of THEIR mistake and not informing me there was ANYTHING left inside of me when I left the hospital. I have none of that on record. Nothing stating that is what they did to me!

For 7 years we have had sex without contraceptives, and we have a very healthy sex life. Think about that for a minute. 7 years.

Yesterday morning, I was late one day and I was walking around the grocery store thinking, ‘maybe I am.’ But it was silly to think that way. I knew I wasn’t. There were many times I have bought birth tests and gotten a negative when I was overdue by a day or even five days! For some reason, the little voice inside of me just said to grab one. Husband had a feeling I was, and he told me to grab one too. At the checkout, I wandered back to the aisle and picked the cheapest one there. A 7 dollar test.

I returned home and while husband was unpacking the groceries, I went to the bathroom. It was one of those gross kind of tests where you have to pee in a cup and use a dropper. Ew. I used a plastic cup, damning myself for being a cheapskate. I’ve spent so much money on those fancy birth tests and gotten negative after negative. Anyway, I tested and washed up, thinking I had a full minute to think things over. I casually looked over at the test 5 seconds in, and BAM, the pregnancy line was already showing. What…the…fuck. I think this is what ruined things for me. The fact I didn’t even get the chance to process it before I got the answer. The fact that it just slapped me in the face so suddenly, out of the blue without me even ENTERTAINING the idea of it being possible.

That is why I was in a massive, depressed funk.

I am 26. I had my kids VERY YOUNG. Gabriel is 7 and turning 8 in 12 days. Jasmine is 6. Do the math. I was done and dusted. I had them 18 months between each other, and they are the best of friends. They share everything together. They do EVERYTHING together. The hard work paid off because I get to witness them in the same phases, same interests, same everything. I love that very much.

And now to get personal, and to be perfectly honest about it. I was scared that another baby would make them jealous. I was scared they would feel replaced. I was scared that I have to once again put all my dreams on hold and go through sleepless nights, diapers, teething, the whole hell that can come with having a newborn and not be able to balance that out with my other two angels.

Simply put, this was not the fucking plan!!!!

I scarily went down the road of abortion. It lasted for a few minutes. I was selfish to think it through because I know this child will have everything she/he needs, but this is the truth. This is the honesty that comes with a surprise pregnancy. I felt like my life is so perfect, I am so blessed. After Jasmine was born, I fell into a very bad postnatel depression that had me feeling and thinking things that I will never utter out loud for fear of being jailed. I was not myself. I was somebody else, and it scared the shit out of me. So yeah, I thought about abortion. I thought about my mental health. I know it’s a risk. I’m fucking TERRIFIED of reliving it. It was the worst couple months of my LIFE. It took a massive toll on my relationship, causing my husband to quit his fly out job for fear of leaving me alone for long with the kids. Thankfully, it passed. I beat it. I remember screaming at myself, at ‘IT’ that invaded my body. I remember being in the kitchen, sobbing and telling IT to go away, that it won’t beat me and to leave. IT went away that day. A miracle.

When it comes down to it, I know I could never go through an abortion. I know it was never seriously thought about. It was just a thought that faintly came and went, but it was a thought
I had nevertheless.

And the more I thought about it, with the support of the husband and two ridiculously excited sisters, the more I was able to be logical about this.

This pregnancy is going to be an alien journey for me, because for the first time ever I am going to have a support network. I will have people there to....HELP me. It is such a foreign word to me. Help. H.E.L.P.

For 8 years, I have been alone. I have endured two pregnancies alone. Husband worked from 5am to 6pm. He was never present, and even when he was, I needed the moral support. I needed a PARTNER. I never felt I was given that. So many ups and downs. So much hurt, and never the time to heal and work through my emotions. I’m left scarred and broken. I don’t recognize the girl I used to be. I pity that girl. I cry for her sometimes because she was so innocent and happy, so bubbly, filled with hope for the world. And slowly, she was cut to pieces by toxic people and loneliness.

The last year though, my husband has made huge changes. He is barely the same person anymore, but of course the fear enters me. Of course the idea of doing this again is traumatic. I have nothing but triggers and a flood of emotions of isolation, loneliness, and the lack of human contact in that hick town we were in. I felt discarded. I felt like all I had in the world were my two babies. We are very close. They are very well-rounded children, top of their class, happy and fun. I think I did a good job.

Last night, I went to the shops and bought the first response tests to be certain this was real. I took one in the bathroom with my sister waiting on the other side of the handicapped door (the girls washroom was out of service). Sure enough, positive. Took another one this morning. Positive. This is really happening.

I returned home and told the kids there may be a little one coming. They were extremely happy!!!! I didn’t expect that but so much happiness swelled inside me. Gabriel whispered he hoped it was a boy, hahaha. And Jasmine jumped off the couch and gave me the biggest hug and kiss. That quieted all my fears right then and there.

After a year of impossible hell and devastation, I am standing here, pregnant, ready to move to a new city, to a new home, to a new school for my children (which guts me, because they are so popular). I’m ready to start fresh again, with my marriage, with my family nearby, with people who love me there to support me and be there for me in case I relapse into negativity.

I am so vulnerable right now. As I expressed this to my husband, he told me, ‘that is the past, and you’re not going there anymore. it’s time to move forward.’

He is right.

Symptoms so far:

Exhaustion. I went to bed super early last night, partly because I thought this wasn’t real, and the other part because my body felt weighed down. I still feel that way. Everything is an exhausting task. I had slight nausea at night (for two consecutive nights been feeling it). I feel dizzy. Breasts are sore. Insane amount of camping.
Other than that, I am calm and sane. For now ;)

I may have moved to Canada 3 years ago, but I don’t think I truly shed the negative life we lived there. I don’t think I ever felt like I started fresh.

This time, I feel it.

Last updated January 16, 2018