number one. in thoughts.

I do not love to swim, although my username may sway you to believe otherwise. I was trying to come up with a super cool, eye-catching, intriguing username and what popped into my head? Little Dory chant-singing “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming”, as she wanders through the ocean, lost, but determined to “just keep swimming”. If you’ve never seen Finding Dory then you probably have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. But, I suppose that’s kind of how I feel right now. I’m not exactly sure where I’m going and why I’m going or what’s eventually going to happen but for now, just keeping on is enough.
I battle depression and anxiety (maybe even bi-polar?) on a daily basis. Looking back, I’ve always battled it, I just didn’t know what it was (and that what I thought and felt wasn’t “normal”) until High School. I have always dealt with crippling shyness. Like, terrible, terrible shyness. I can remember always being the shy one in school, I always maintained 1 or 2 friends but never more, my whole face would go right red anytime I had to speak, teachers always commented on how “well behaved” I was, which basically boiled down to me never speaking and always doing what I was told. My extremely religious family and upbringing played a lot into that but maybe I’ll talk about that another day. Basically, it was behave or get beaten, so I chose to behave. Looking back, I got beaten anyways though, but not much I could do about that.
Anyways, I’m now 28 years old, finally living on my own (in a tiny, cheap apartment, but hey, it’s my tiny cheap apartment!) I have a good, solid career, a boyfriend, an almost step-daughter, two cats and somewhere around $50,000 of student loan/credit card debt. Woo. I’m a natural redhead (although I don’t have the anger that is usually associated with redheads), but I do have the green eyes, painfully pale skin that burns after about 3 minutes of sun exposure and the thousands and thousands of freckles that are sprinkled all over me. I am also.... what’s the right word.... “heavy” “chubby” “thick” “fat” “obese” ..... whatever word paints the best image for you.
I have a lot of confidence issues. And by that I mean I essentially have no confidence whatsoever in my life at this time. I’m not just unconfident in my body and overall appearance, but in everything. My career, my relationships, my choices, everything. I have a lot of issues.... trust issues, mental health issues, childhood issues, family issues, love issues, etc. You name it and I probably struggle with it.
That’s actually a large part of why I decided to start writing here. I just feel like maybe this will be a place for me to sort through some stuff or get it all out or make friends or even help someone else while I try to help myself. Who knows? I guess that’s about it for now, now that I’ve given a little introduction and a tiny bit of a backstory. I never know how to end these things.... even when I used to write in journals I would always have a hard time ending an entry. So bye, I guess? See you later? Until next time?
The end.
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